


On The Outside Looking In

by gillyAnne



Category: Star Trek: Voyager
Genre: Cheating, Developing Relationship, F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-07
Updated: 2018-11-01
Packaged: 2019-07-27 13:54:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 30,211
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16220450
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/gillyAnne/pseuds/gillyAnne
Summary: Chakotay is caught on the outside looking in on Kathryn's new life. Or is he caught in the middle? This one is about Chakotay and Kathryn, and what happens when they arrive home with so many unanswered questions. So many unspoken words.





	1. Glass Wall

**Author's Note:**

> I had an idea one day and it turned into the first Voyager story in over two years.

_“Excuse me for a while,_

_Turn a blind eye_

_With a stare caught right in the middle_

_Have you wondered for a while_

_I have a feeling deep down_

_You're caught in the middle?”_

_~London Grammar - Strong_

Like always, he was careful. Choosing his position not too close to the apartment, but close enough so he had a good view of the big windows of her apartment.

He knew she would be home, he’d seen her leave Headquarters for the day. It’s one of the reasons he was here again in the first place. Unable to stay away from her, but unable to be close because he was a coward, he was doomed to be on the outside of her life. His place inside of it had been taken. However, he didn’t blame her. It was his fault for letting her do this to them.

Standing here, concealed behind a large pillar and some shrubbery, he felt like a fool. Being reduced to a lonely man who had to spy on the woman he loved was not something he had seen coming. His heart jumped a little and betrayed him when he saw her appear from behind her curtains. He was getting over her, right? That’s what he kept telling himself, and it was the only thing keeping him sane. Getting over Kathryn, moving on. Like she seemed to be getting over him.

She walked into his vision, wearing an oversized sweatshirt and seemingly nothing else. Her legs were bare and so were her feet, and from a distance she looked more vulnerable than he had ever seen her. Even on New Earth she had never let him see her so bare, so stripped of every layer that built the Captain. He envied the man who got to see this, and hated himself for not giving her the confidence to be herself around him. The steaming cup of coffee he could make out in Kathryn’s hand made him smile, the way she had done up her hair made him nostalgic. She had so much power over him, and somehow he kept coming back for more.

Just as he thought she might be home alone, the man she shared her life with stepped into view. He was an admiral, and a good one at that, or so he’d heard. However, the mere fact that mr. Admiral was living with Kathryn made him dislike the man without knowing him. Jealousy was not a good look on Chakotay but he couldn’t help himself, he was in love. Still.

As he watched the admiral pull Kathryn close, he wanted to leave. He wasn’t here to see that. Turning away he decided to come back tomorrow, something he never did, but today had been too short to satisfy him. He needed to know she was really ok. It was his duty to make sure she was ok, and if she wouldn’t let him in, this was the only way he could think of that wouldn’t alarm her to his presence or give her a reason to accuse him of interfering in a way that he shouldn’t.  

 

The first time he had ever noticed the glass wall of her house had been only a week after she had said goodbye to him on their welcome home party.  She had been distant, preoccupied, and he knew she had been given a tough time making sure the former Maquis crew was pardoned. However, she had gotten it done, without his help. Thinking back, she had barely even talked to him once they’d reached Earth.  He hadn’t thought too much of it, since he had been casually seeing Seven and Kathryn had kept her distance from him, but deep down he had always thought their agreement still stood. But there had been no agreement, no unspoken pact between them on the night he had last spoken to her. He had been standing in his usual place, just behind her left shoulder, while she gave her speech. He had admired her strength, but by the end of their journey he had known it to be a shield sometimes. He had felt uneasy, feeling something was not right between them, but he hadn’t gotten the chance to talk to her about it. As soon as pleasantries were over she had gotten ready to leave. Walking up to him with her eyes on her feet she stopped just in front of him. Her hand came to his chest like it had so many times before, but this time there was no electricity that sparkled at her touch, just a deep sadness. She had defiantly met his eyes and he had known. This was goodbye.

‘Goodbye, Chakotay,’ she’d said. ‘It was an honor serving with you.’

He had been dumbstruck, unable to find words he had just uttered her name before she had disappeared out of his sight.

He hadn’t understood why she had left like she did. Maybe he never would, but now, a few months later, he understood that she had to. He was hurting her and she was hurting herself, and she had to walk away.

His one regret had been that he had never told her. He hadn’t told her that Seven and he weren’t a thing. It was nothing serious, but she didn’t know that. He was still ready to wait for her. But she didn’t know that, and it was his fault for not telling her.

So a week after their goodbye, on a dark, rainy autumn evening he decided to go to her apartment and talk to her. That was when he had walked through the park where he’d been stopped dead in his tracks by the vision of her kissing the brown haired admiral that she had been rumored to be dating. It froze him in his place for a second, before he realized he was staring and she would eventually look out the window. So he had taken up his position, partially behind a pillar of the building behind him, using a few sad looking bushes as cover. He had watched as the kiss had ended, she smiled up at the man and turned away from him, towards the window. Her hand had come up to touch it, while the man kissed her cheek and left. In her face Chakotay had seen longing, sadness and an emptiness that he had seen before. Confused by what he saw he had abandoned his plan of talking to her and he’d left for home, vowing to himself that from that day on, he would check in on her regularly. Just to make sure she was ok. And maybe, just maybe, someday he would find the courage to actually talk to her.

 

Today would be the first time he would visit two days in a row. The weather felt similar to the first time he had seen her, a dreary atmosphere that seemed to be designed by him alone. He had made sure not to have a pattern to his visits, to avoid detection by anyone, because he knew that what he was doing was wrong on many, many levels. Leaving work a little earlier than normal gave him time to figure out her schedule for that day. She was usually at HQ until quite late, but today she would be off after her meeting. Of course, the general schedules were open to everyone at Starfleet to see, so no one noticed him poking around to figure out Kathryn’s activities. Still, he was careful not to log in to any secure system, feeling mildly guilty about what he was doing.

He knew he had it bad, and he also knew he’d be in a world of hurt if she ever found out, which is why he made absolutely sure she never saw him or knew what he was up to.

Why he hadn’t just tried talking to her was something he hadn’t figured out himself. He’d seen such emotion in her eyes at their goodbye that it had scared him away. Chakotay knew he had hurt her and not so deep down it felt like a betrayal of his vows to her. She had silently asked him to wait for her once and he had promised to do so, before throwing that out of the window a short while before the end of their journey. Even though his actions were not meant to hurt Kathryn in any way, he had soon found out that they had crippled her emotionally in ways he couldn’t begin to understand. That was why distance had become his policy, and silence his religion – he had settled for quiet observation for now, to continue his vow to her. To keep her safe even if he had basically relieved himself of that task the minute he had looked at Seven instead of Kathryn upon entering the Alpha Quadrant.

He had decided to walk instead of transport, it was quiet out and he could use the time to clear his head. He also didn’t want to beat her to the house, because waiting for her to come home meant risking her seeing him as she crossed the courtyard. Walking through the autumn showers he thought how he could have let things get this far. His mistakes kept piling up and this was probably just another one to add to the mix, he pondered, as he walked across the courtyard towards what had quickly become his favorite pillar. Once he was there, he could see her head just appearing above the wall that separated her living area from the kitchen. For someone who didn’t cook she sure found herself a spacious kitchen, he thought to himself on a chuckle. Did she ever think about their dinners? Did she miss them?

These thoughts crept up on him as he found his position, the place where he could safely observe her wandering around her kitchen before appearing in the living area with a cup filled with a steaming substance, probably something laced with caffeine. She was still in uniform this time, her hair a little longer than before but still neatly combed, coming to just touch her shoulders.

 As he observed her, he felt uneasy. A clenching feeling was settling in his stomach upon seeing her browse her house, and he’d pinned it down to today being an irregular day. He had made sure he wasn’t followed here, and he knew no one was aware of his actions.

The connection he had felt to her had long been dulled down by anger, sadness and fear. Their ability to speak without words was no longer something they shared with anyone in their lives. Yet, ice crept into his heart when he realized that somehow, she seemed to be sensing his presence. He saw it in the way she turned, in the way she pursed her lips as she lifted her gaze from her cup. She knew exactly where he was as she approached the window, locking eyes with him from across the welting flowerbeds and kept looking. It wasn’t a searching gaze across the park.

No, she saw him.

He had been caught.


	2. A Mirror

_Now I am a lake. A woman bends over me,_

_Searching my reaches for what she really is._

_Then she turns to those liars, the candles or the moon._

_I see her back, and reflect it faithfully._

_She rewards me with tears and an agitation of hands._

_I am important to her. She comes and goes._

_Each morning it is her face that replaces the darkness._

_In me she has drowned a young girl, and in me an old woman_

_Rises toward her day after day, like a terrible fish.”_

_~Sylvia Plath_

Chakotay froze.

He had no idea what to do as he found Kathryn’s eyes locked with his, even though he was standing across the courtyard and fully in the shade, and it was almost impossible for her to see him as it was such a gloomy dark day and the night had started to fall early. Despite all of this, there was no doubt in his mind. Kathryn Janeway was standing at her window, still dressed in her Admiral’s uniform, a steaming cup in her hands and she was looking straight at him.

 

That morning Kathryn had left her house early, leaving a message for Thom to read as he woke up. Walking the short distance to the transporter she contemplated their relationship that had evolved so quickly.

She had been seeing him for a little while now but they had been quick to share her bed, partially because he had wanted to, and partially because Kathryn needed the human connection. She didn’t regret it, frankly she had been past caring. Thomas Jefferson was someone she had known for a very long time, having served with him before, but she had never considered him a romantic interest until he had asked her out shortly after their return to Earth. Apparently, he had always cherished a crush on her, and after Voyager had been lost he hadn’t given up hope like others had. Thom was also a good ten years older than Kathryn, which gave her a feeling she liked. It made her feel cared for, like it was okay for her to not be in command of this part of her life. However she had set some parameters to their relationship, wanting clear boundaries and giving herself some time to adjust, but he had accepted them without question and it was easy, something she hadn’t had in a long time. It had just been nice at first, a friendly face to talk to and to help her get back to reality, but soon it hadn’t been enough. They appeared to have a good physical connection, and it had been enjoyable to rediscover that side of herself, but still she wasn’t sure what she was doing or how she got here.

As she got into HQ her assistant rushed towards her. ‘Ma’am, I have that data you asked for,’ she called, handing Kathryn a stack of PADD’s. ‘And Admiral Paris asked to see you before the meeting. I also have your new course schedule on Species 8472-lectures ready for you to review, let me know if it’s convenient this way.’ Handing Kathryn a cup of coffee she reached her office. ‘Oh, and another  request came in for you to conduct the exams on Borg History, if you have time.’

Kathryn sighed. ‘I’ll make time. Let the Admiral know I’ll get back to him before we meet and I’ll have the schedules back to you this morning so you can start sending invitations to the students. Thanks for the coffee, Jody.’ The young assistant nodded, smiled and took a left into her own office. Kathryn was glad to have her at her side, because frankly life back home was overwhelming. She had requested not to have too much time off, so she should be grateful, but everyone seemed to be demanding something of her and no one seemed to let up.

‘Oh, one last thing,’ Jody called poking her head around the corner. ‘Admiral Jefferson asked me to keep an eye on you and make sure you go home after the meeting. I hope that’s not overstepping?’ Kathryn shook her head. ‘No, of course not, he outranks you. Just send him a message saying you’ll do your best.’ She made a mental note to talk to Thom about this behavior, because it was sweet but totally inappropriate and a violation of her parameters. ‘I’ll leave for home after the staff meeting, Jody. I’ll be fine, I promise.’ Jody seemed to accept her answer and disappeared into her office, leaving Kathryn to juggle the PADD’s and her coffee.

Settling at her desk she sighed. Work had always been a good escape and she loved her job. She had tabs on every one of her old crewmembers, so she could keep a close eye on their career and personal life, but she found herself missing them dearly. These days her hours were mostly spent behind a desk or in a lecture, and even though she loved teaching at Starfleet Academy she found it to be a lonely position. For someone who had gotten used to having around 165 people around her at all times, the 20 students attending her lectures and the few officers working with her seemed like no one at all.

As she started to look through her messages she thought of something B’Elanna had said during their last big coming home party. She’d stated that she deeply missed Engineering, the sound of the ship’s engine and how it didn’t just consist of warp particles, but also of people working together, living together in friendship and love, and she had attributed all of it to Kathryn and how she had merged the two crews into one well-oiled machine that was also a family. Kathryn felt a tear roll down her cheek remembering B’Elanna’s words, because they were exactly what she felt right now. However, she was scared of stopping and examining her feelings, trying to fix them, because stopping meant facing reality. And reality meant dealing with seven years worth of regrets and insecurities. So instead of taking the two months Starfleet had waiting for her she had decided to keep working, at least for now. She would survive, she always did.

 

The day went by slowly, but surely and soon it was time to leave for the Admiral’s meeting. It would be a routine thing, updating them all on the latest missions, crew changes, promotions and demotions and they would divide the coming week’s  evaluations. Nothing to be too excited about, and Kathryn hoped today would be a short one. She was yearning for her home and her couch more than usual.

Just as she was about to leave, she saw a notification pop up in the corner of her screen. Someone had requested a schedule update for today. There was no name, and it wasn’t unusual, but she’d been seeing this notification a lot recently. Someone was following her movements, and it wasn’t Thom, he wasn’t the incognito kind. He’d just comm her and tell her to stop working so hard.

She decided to investigate another time and five minutes later, she was out the door towards the Admirals Observation Lounge at HQ.

Outside the door she met Admiral Paris. ‘Kathryn, how are you,’ the older man asked. ‘Good sir, it’s good to be home,’ she answered. ‘You know those two months are there for you to take whenever you need them,’ Paris reminded her. ‘You’re doing exceptional work, but you’ve been through quite the experience. Take your time getting back into things. Have you seen the counselor yet?’  Kathryn shook her head. ‘No, I don’t think that’s necessary, Sir,’ she said. The counselor that had been offered by Starfleet to every crewmember had been a daunting thing for Kathryn, she wasn’t sure it would help her. She had never really thought about it, because the one she didn’t want to be reminded of had fulfilled that role for her as her counselor and guide over the past years. Chakotay had kept her honest, focused and honestly he had kept her going. Without him she wasn’t sure how far she could go by herself, but she wanted to find out alone. Therefore she had not given the Fleet counselor a call yet, even though he had tried reaching out to her on a couple of occasions. Maybe some day.

‘There’s no shame in talking about your experiences, Kathryn,’ Owen said. ‘You’ve been through a lot. I know from experience that you don’t put everything in your logs. I’m sure there are things you didn’t want in there, that might be bothering you. Or will in the future. Be careful navigating that road alone.’ She nodded. ‘I will, thank you. Now, let’s get this meeting over with, shall we?’ She appeared cheerful as she turned away from Owen Paris. The man sighed. Always feisty Kathryn, he thought.  He wished she would slow down and face the facts. His son had told him what an amazing job she had done on board Voyager, and her logs had supported that as they had given him insight into the problems she had faced, but he wouldn’t believe she had come out the other end unscarred. There were bound to be repercussions for any Captain steering their ship and crew through unknown territory for seven years, especially if that journey was based on a decision made by that Captain. Kathryn seemed fine, but he knew the mask. He’d hidden behind it himself. All he could do was keep her options open and make sure she wouldn’t destroy herself now that she was home.

 

 

The meeting was, as expected, short and to the point. She left with a thousand more things to do than before, and her packed schedule was a little more packed than earlier that day but she didn’t mind. It was good to have things to do.

As she left the building her eye caught someone exiting the building across the way. She smiled to herself, her mind betraying her, knowing that was where some of her old crewmembers worked now. For a second she had thought she saw Chakotay there, and at that same second her mind had immediately wanted to call out to him. She hadn’t, because she knew she didn’t have that freedom anymore, but she had wanted to. How long would it take for him to disappear from her mind’s eye? Would she ever be able to either forget him, or rebuild a friendship with him? Right now she was still torn between the two, having said her final goodbye to him, but missing him dearly. Thom had told her it would fade eventually. She had looked at him and nodded, knowing that apparently she hadn’t faded from his memory in seven years, and they hadn’t even been close friends before.  His reasoning was flawed and she thought he knew. They hadn’t discussed the nature of her relationship with Chakotay beyond friends and Captain-Commander, and she had tried to hide her true feelings from Thom and from herself. That was the past, she’d said, the Captain in her managing a flawless mask and even a smile.

The transporter ride home was short, and the miserable weather made her glad to be in the comfort of her own home. She felt like a bath, but something in her told her Thom would be home soon and she also felt like sharing her bath, so she forewent the urge to dress down for now. She poured herself a cup of a Vulcan beverage Thom had introduced her to, it wasn’t as good as coffee but it was close and she liked the variation. Taking the steaming mug out to the window her mind was temporarily numbed.

All the way home she had felt unsettled, like something was off. She couldn’t put her finger on it, but for some reason, her mind wouldn’t move away from the notification she had received. Unknown requested your schedule. And later, she had been positive it was him leaving the building. It didn’t mean anything, of course, he worked and lived here just like her. But still, ever since that moment she had felt his presence. And now, walking towards her window, she could barely make out a figure across the courtyard she loved so much. A dark figure, a man, moving into the shade behind some bushes. Watching her house. Definitely, undeniably watching her. Still, she wasn’t scared because she had felt this energy before. She’d felt him watching her before, and at that time she hadn’t been herself but still her instinct had been to trust him. Today felt exactly the same. Without seeing him clearly she knew. She felt him, and she was sure he felt her as she saw him shift a little. He was quite far away, but she knew he could probably see everything inside her house as she had the lights on and darkness was falling outside.

Even though this was wrong on so many levels she felt a small smile creep onto her face. It was a sad smile, a smile of someone recalling a long and complicated history, but it was a smile nonetheless. There he was, Chakotay. Close like always. She closed the distance to the window and her eyes focused on his face. There was no doubt in her mind that he could see her watching him. There was also no doubt in her mind that his intentions were honorable.

Only she was at a complete loss what to do next.

 

 

 

 


	3. Reflection

_“Trembling vision and quivering knees indicate your world is shaking_

_A sinkhole beneath the concrete once thought of as a foundation_

_A tapestry of normality ripped violently to pieces_

_As you find yourself falling once again.”_

~ Nick Bland

Chakotay swallowed. He hadn’t thought about this part, he hadn’t considered her seeing him. This wasn’t the plan. He wanted to abandon ship, run for the hills, escape as quickly as possible but his legs wouldn’t move. Kathryn was in front of her window, her eyes searching his, even though she must be looking straight into darkness. A tiny smile played across her lips and he released a breath, it was an immense relief to see her smile at him. He was torn between wanting to run and wanting to go to her but he knew this wasn’t the time. Finding the courage to move was hard, but not impossible and he dared to step forward a little, leaving the safety of his hiding place. He dared to look up at her again, smiling back before turning his eyes to the road and slowly walking away. He knew this was the easy way out, but he also knew this wasn’t finished. It was only just beginning. Needing time to deal with his own thoughts first he had a feeling he wouldn’t be getting much. The first message tomorrow morning would undoubtedly be from her, requesting his presence, or just plainly asking for an explanation. And he owed her one, of course he did, but he wasn’t sure of his motives. Explaining them to her would be hard if he hadn’t had time to gather his thoughts. Even though walking away right now was probably not the best choice of action for them, it was the only choice for him.

As he exited the little park he looked up and almost bumped into mr. Admiral who was on his way home. ‘Hey, you are Chakotay, right?’ the older man stated. ‘Kathryn has told me a lot about you but we’ve never seen you around here.’ Chakotay shook his head. ‘I’m quite busy, haven’t had the time to reconnect.’ It was a lie and both men knew it. The admiral nodded. ‘It’s nice to see you, come by and say hi to Kathryn some time. She’d love to see you I’m sure.’ It wasn’t really an invitation, and Chakotay felt it, but it was nice of the man nonetheless. ‘I will, thank you,’ he managed. ‘See you around.’ He moved on quickly, hoping the man wouldn’t call back to him or ask him about why he was here. He probably wouldn’t, because Annika lives only two streets away. In his eyes, it would be logical for Chakotay to still visit Annika, because he had given them no reason to believe their relationship had ended.  He had barely spoken to anyone about his presumed relationship with Seven, and he hadn’t spoken to Kathryn at all in the past two months.

 

 

Two months. As he reached the transporter pad to transport to his own apartment, he pondered where the time had gone. He had been visiting Kathryn’s place for two months, and he hadn’t even realized it had been that long. It would be Christmas soon, and he wondered if the crew had any plans of getting together. He should go, meet up with some of his old friends, he thought.

When he arrived home it had gone completely dark. He had opted to walk, to clear his head a little, but he couldn’t get her eyes out of his mind. How had they ended up like this? He knew, he just wished he had been smarter about it. Ordering a herbal tea from the replicator he asked the computer about any messages. ‘One new  message,’ the computer informed him. ‘Audio only. Admiral Janeway.’ A chill ran up his spine and a smile formed, she hadn’t even given him until the next morning. He was scared shitless and intrigued at the same time, and only one person had the power to do that to him. ‘Computer, play message,’ he ordered. There was no video, she hadn’t taken the time to sit down, or she probably hadn’t had the time as she must have seen her boyfriend approaching. He didn’t know how much Kathryn had told him, and frankly he didn’t care. The complex tapestry of their relationship was something they had always kept between themselves. Thinking about it, he wouldn’t know how to define it to anyone.

The computer beeped and the message started playing. Chakotay sat down on his couch, focusing on Kathryn’s voice. She sounded tired. ‘Hi Chakotay. I hope you are well. I’ve never been very good at goodbyes but you put me in a difficult position. I’d like to know how you are doing. I saw you, I think you know.’ He heard her voice break a little and his heart broke with her. Without seeing her face he knew what she must have felt. She missed him as much as he missed her, but she was still in pain. And the Captain in her was making it impossible to deal with the pain. Therefore, it was just... There. Always. He knew the feeling, as he had been feeling it as well. Unable to face reality because reality meant hating himself for his actions, he had settled for this life in limbo. Seeing her without seeing her, being close to her but staying far away, telling himself it was okay. It wasn’t, and they both knew it now.

‘I saw you and I want you to know that... I know, and it’s okay. Let’s talk about this, though. Lunch, like we used to, tomorrow.’ She didn’t specify a place or time but he knew where she usually ate lunch. Shame crept into his heart thinking that she might have found out about his inquisitions, that she might know exactly how far he had taken this. Something in her voice however told him that she didn’t really care. His job at the Academy had given him access to information about her whereabouts and habits much easier than he had expected and it had only facilitated in his addiction to her. That’s what it was, he realized, an addiction. It had started as soon as he had said yes to giving M-Class Survival Skills classes, which had instantly reminded him of the time he had spent with Kathryn on New Earth. He often referred to her skills in his classes, and he had even joked about pleasing a female officer with a skillset which included building bathtubs. However, the daily reminder had done nothing for his goal to forget about her and move on like she seemed to have.

‘I hope you can make it to lunch. I’ll see you there. Janeway out.’ The message ended and he smiled at the familiarity of the way she ended her communication. How many times had she said that over the past seven years? He thought about how well he knew her, how he had seen her in almost every scenario imaginable. Every scenario, except the one they were in now. When had he promised her to stay by her side? Had it been on New Earth, or had it been a lot earlier? He didn’t know exactly, but he knew that tomorrow would be an important thread in the tapestry of their life. It was his chance to at least explain some things to her, if she would let him. He knew she was in a relationship now, and he would respect that, but the truth needed to be told. Since very early in their journey he had seen their lives intertwined like yarn, always together, creating something beautiful and powerful. They had been the fabric that held together most of Voyagers crew, their foundation of trust and loyalty something for everyone to build on. He had always prided himself on being that example. Tomorrow he would try and show her that he was still that man, even though he might have ripped it in some places, the fabric was still strong enough to hold.

 

Chakotay went about cooking dinner for himself and settling on his couch with an old-fashioned book, an antique that he had picked up a while ago. It was a mysterious love story, about a man and a woman who meet in New York City in the twentieth century. He had read it before but he’d recently rediscovered it, having lent it to Annika to read. He had started re-reading it and was enjoying thinking of that old city and its inhabitants in that era.

After a while, the comm system beeped. ‘Incoming transmission. Annika Hansen,’ the computer informed him. He looked up from his book, putting it down. ‘Put it through,’ he ordered.

‘Chakotay,’ the former drone’s voice appeared in the room. ‘How have you been?’ ‘Annika, it’s good to hear from you,’ he said. Inwardly he cringed, what was that supposed to mean, was he a Vulcan? ‘I’m... Okay, thank you for inquiring. I wanted to ask you if you have time to give me some advice.’ He smiled. ‘Of course, tell me, what’s going on?’ ‘It’s a romantic question,’ Annika stated. ‘Can I come over to discuss this with you in private?’ ‘Okay,’ he agreed. ‘You know the way.’ Joking about their supposed relationship was something she had never assimilated, she understood his need to make fun of it but she hadn’t agreed with it. They had only had a couple of dates while being back on Earth, and even though Annika knew exactly where Chakotay lived and what his house looked like she knew there was no place for her there. ‘I’ll be right over, Hansen out,’ she said decisively.

Only minutes later the door beeped. ‘Come,’ Chakotay called and Annika walked in. He looked at her for a second, giving himself the luxury of remembering all the transformations this woman had gone through since he had met her. She was beautiful, perfect even, her blond hair now loose and flowing past her shoulders. Wearing a dark navy suit she looked comfortable, but presentable, and her make-up was as perfect as ever. ‘Hi,’ he said, offering her a short hug. She took and returned it, but Chakotay immediately felt the distance she was keeping. He had instigated this, he knew, by telling her that he did not love her like she deserved a while ago. She had accepted it gracefully but ever since then she had kept her physical distance from him.

‘What did you want to talk about?’ he asked, mentioning for her to sit down while he fetched her a cup of her favorite tea. It was one of the only things he liked about Annika over Kathryn: The willingness to drink tea with him. Kathryn would never drink tea.

Annika sat down on the couch. Looking around she recognized so much of Chakotay in his apartment, it was truly a reflection of the man itself. He had an old wooden coffee table, an antique sofa which looked to be an old form of faux leather, light brown and looking slightly worn down but in good condition. On one side, a big window looked out over the street, while on the other side he had a big sand painting which she knew to be a souvenir from Voyager. Where it had originated she didn’t know, but it had been there since she’d arrived on Voyager. Next to it there was an equally large canvas on which he had painted an ocean, and some cetacean which looked to be jumping out of the waves. This was a more recent work which she had seen the creation of.

‘When we ended our relationship you said something to me, Chakotay,’ she started. ‘You said.. You said I should wait for someone who loves me completely. That I deserved a man who is ready to give his whole heart and soul, someone who gives me his whole true self. I think I might have found that person. The emotions I’m experiencing.. It’s not something I’ve felt before. And I think he feels the same.’

Chakotay sat down on the chair opposite Annika after handing her the tea. ‘That’s great,’ he said. ‘Congratulations. You deserve the best.’ She smiled a small smile, the one that had him falling for her before. It didn’t do much for him now. ‘Thank you. It’s.. I’m uncertain of how to proceed,’ she said. ‘For us, our relationship progressed naturally, and it ended quite the same. With this man I do not have the foundation of trust, respect and friendship I had with you. I am still getting to know him but I feel strongly about him. I am unsure of his intentions and feelings, however I know he would not intentionally hurt me.’ She locked eyes with Chakotay for a second, hoping he wouldn’t take this the wrong way. Chakotay had hurt her, some would say intentionally, but she had always felt his heart was not fully with her. She had known even before starting a relationship with his hologram. However, his integrity and loyalty to the Captain had been her main reason for choosing him. She had wanted that. And her current boyfriend gave her that, plus a quiet admiration that she felt was unacceptable to live without. Chakotay however knew exactly what she meant. ‘It’s okay, I know I wasn’t very tactful. And I’m sorry, Annika. I’m happy that you still see me as a friend, though. That’s the most important part. Make sure he is a great friend to you, that he can make you happy in every aspect of your life. Mutual respect and acceptance is very important.’ Annika frowned slightly. ‘Isn’t your friendship the reason you are not with Captain Janeway? It was my understanding that you value her friendship above a romantic involvement.’ ‘Maybe,’ he answered. ‘It’s too important to give up one for the other, but no one said you have to choose. Kathryn decided it was too much of a risk to compromise our working relationship while we were in the Delta Quadrant, and I agreed. That doesn’t mean we thought we’d lose one over the other. It just means we were not ready to take the risk that the crew would suffer in any way.’

‘That sounds like a significant personal sacrifice,’ Annika said. ‘It is admirable of you to put others first. However we are not in that situation, so if your reasoning is correct, it should be safe for me to risk my friendship for a romantic involvement. My work would not suffer, and the stakes are not as high.’ He nodded. ‘That’s right. And, it’s always your choice. You are very capable of making well informed decisions, Annika. Just use your logic and try to balance your brain and your heart, and you will be fine. I’m very happy for you.’ He smiled at her. ‘I almost wish I was as brave.’ She cocked her head slightly to the side, looking him square in the eye. ‘You are one of the bravest and most loyal people I have ever met,’ she said. ‘I hope you find what you are ready to give.’

For someone who hadn’t been dealing with romantic feelings for very long, Annika was a quick learner. She had seen what Chakotay had to give, and although she felt a little sad she would not be on the receiving end of his love, she knew that it was never hers to ask for. She just wished there was a way for her two commanding officers to break their stalemate. It had taken a while for her to see what was going on behind their eyes, but once Chakotay had spoken with her about love on the night of their breakup, everything had been so clear. She had known who he was talking about. And he had known, as well. Chakotay had tried to be considerate with her heart, he had felt he was not being fair to her and she had indeed deserved a lot more than he was able to give. The woman who was sitting on his couch right now amazed him. Giving her advice on her love life was not something he felt he was fully capable of doing, but she seemed to be pleased so he accepted that he might be a better counselor than he tought. If only he could accept his own advice, he thought. If only Kathryn could.

They drank their tea and chatted for a little while longer, until Annika was ready to leave again. She thanked him for the advice, and he reassured her that there would always be a place for her in his life. They were after all still good friends. Annika accepted his words and his hug with a little more warmth than before.

After saying goodbye she left for home and Chakotay stayed behind, two empty cups on his coffee table, and an emptiness in his heart. Seven had been special, and Annika was starting to grow into an exceptional individual. He knew she had gone to Kathryn for advice before, and somewhere in his mind the irony of that situation was just insane. It seemed as if fate was laughing at both of them, creating this love triangle with him in the middle. He was glad to have gotten away from that situation, however, he had effectively removed himself from the equasion entirely. Being confronted now with both women dating another man was a painful matter to Chakotay, but he had decided long ago that their happiness was more important than his. Rebuidling his friendship with Kathryn was his main focus now that he had been caught watching her. If there was even the possibility of something close to what they had had before he’d be happy to keep his professionalism around her. Time would tell. However, he was intensely aware that taking too much time was what had gotten him in this situation in the first place. He did not want the future to mirror the past, and he knew he had been lacking in clarity when talking to Kathryn about them. His only chance had been when he had told her his ancient warrior story. He had been shaken that evening, stunned by her reaction, and it had been the only time in their relationship he had ever felt the hope for something more to grow from the foundation of friendship. However, not pushing on and retreating like a coward when she had silently asked him to pull her over the threshold had been his way of dealing with her insecurity. Yes, he needed to clarify a few things. And he would.

Tomorrow.

 


	4. A Time For Rejection

_“A friend once said to me_

_That rejection is a time for reflection_

_And I tend to agree_

_So tell me_

_As I stare into the face of rejection_

_Why is it that I see my own reflection?_

_Am I cursed to take this personally?”_

 

Kathryn sighed, watching Chakotay leave in the darkness. Everything just klicked, it all made so much sense. He had been following her from a distance, because he still felt his obligation to her. They had never discussed their relationship after Voyager and both of them had just assumed. Things hadn’t worked out as they had planned, but he had still kept his promise to her. That was the kind of man he was.

As she looked off into the distance towards where Chakotay had disappeared around the trees she noticed Thom coming around the corner. She decided to quickly comm Chakotay before she changed her mind.

After messaging him she actually felt a little better, and Thom smiled as he stepped over the threshold. ‘Hi, Kathryn. You look beautiful.’ She chuckled, still in uniform. ‘I haven’t had time to change yet. I just got home.’ He looked at the cup in her hands, raising an eyebrow. ‘But you had time to make that, whatever it is.’ She nodded. ‘Priorities, mister.’

He laughed at her and disappeared around the corner of the bedroom. He hadn’t kissed her hello yet, but that wasn’t unusual as he probably wanted to change before properly greeting her. ‘I’ll jump in the shower,’ she heard him call. ‘If that’s okay with the Captain.’

‘The _Admiral_ is going to take a long bath before eating dinner,’ she called back. ‘And she’s not going to cook it.’ A smile formed around her lips. ‘Unless you are in the mood for charred chicken or burnt bechamel.’ ‘I don’t know,’ he replied. ‘Might be the next big thing. You never know unless you try.’ ‘Oh, I’ve tried,’ she answered. ‘Believe me, this is not going anywhere near any culinary archive.’

In the bathroom, Thom lowered his head, thinking of all the memories she had that he knew nothing about. There were seven years of her life missing for him, because she rarely spoke to him about anything other than missions and reports. He knew the relationships she had formed where important to her, and that it hurt having to let go of her crew, but he had the strong feeling that Kathryn was still living somewhere between here and the Delta Quadrant. Seeing Chakotay today had made him a little wistful: Here was a man who had spent seven years literally by her side, who she had admitted meant a lot to her, now practically a stranger. He wasn’t a jealous man, but you didn’t have to be to still feel uncomfortable with the appearance of the very handsome, very loyal former First Officer. He had heard all sorts of rumors about their alleged relationship on board Voyager, but the fact that everyone thought it was still going on reassured him that there was no intimate relationship at all, like Kathryn had told him.  There was just no way, and even though there must have been a lot of mutual respect, he was almost certain that there were no romantic feelings between Kathryn and Chakotay.

Showering quickly Thom made sure he had time to replicate food and set the table before Kathryn was finished with her bath. One of the great advantages of this apartment over his old one (that he still kept) was that she had two bathrooms, one specifically designed to hold her spacious bathtub. Even though they enjoyed sharing a shower sometimes, or even a bath, it was convenient to be able to jump in a sonic shower without having to disturb Kathryn in her bath time, which seemed to almost be sacred to her. Without disturbing her he went about making dinner, looking forward to a quiet evening with Kathryn.

 

After dinner they retreated to the couch with their dessert, chocolate and coffee ice cream. Thom was a fan of old movies, Kathryn had found that it might be a name thing. Tom Paris had actually recommended a couple of ‘golden oldies’ to them, and even though the screen was far from old fashioned Kathryn still felt like she was 200 years in the past whenever they watched one of the films. Tonight was one of those nights, both of them wanting some down time together, enjoying their ice cream and the movie while sitting together. Sometimes Thom’s hand would find its way up her arm from its position around her shoulders, and like today he would sometimes pull her a little closer to his body when he felt she was being quiet.

‘You okay?’ he asked about halfway through the movie. Kathryn had been exceptionally silent, where he would usually have to ask her to please not comment on the script or science she had just been sitting next to him today, their sides flush against each other, his arm around her. Her knees were pulled up with her feet on the sofa, and she was sitting almost sideways leaning into him. Her head was on his shoulder and he couldn’t see her eyes but he just felt something was off.

She nodded quietly. ‘Yeah, fine.’ Their relationship was young, even though they weren’t anymore. She wasn’t comfortable discussing her deepest feelings with him. In fact, she wasn’t really comfortable discussing feelings at all. ‘Watch the movie,’ she advised. ‘I’m just tired.’

Thom took her advice and refocused on the film. He had known ever since the beginning that there would be bad days, where Kathryn would retreat into her own bubble. He had known this to be her coping mechanism, and even though he didn’t like it, he understood why it was necessary. Pushing would only result in her leaving his side and retreating to bed, and he didn’t want her to feel like she had to run. She had been running for seven years. It was time for him to show her it was okay to stop.

 

The next day, Chakotay woke up feeling slightly nauseous. He had seen Kathryn a number of times, but he hadn’t spoken to her since the party, and in hearing her comm message yesterday he had realized how little he actually knew about her life right now. He had dreamt of her, though, something that wasn’t uncommon. It had become more frequent when he had started walking by her house, but the dreams had mostly been the same. He had seen her in her window, or in Voyager’s window. Some dreams had consisted of them working together. Weirdly enough the thing he saw more and more had been that final handshake a younger Kathryn had given him when the ship had been fractured into multiple dimensions, where she had asked him a question that could have changed her life (Could it have changed his? He didn’t know, temporal mechanics gave him a headache).  Just how close do we get? Today would possibly answer that question, because with them being in the situation they were in right now, this was as close as they could possibly get. Maybe that is why last night he hadn’t dreamt of her on Voyager.

He had seen her in a time before that. Young, happy and mostly carefree, walking her dog and later reading a book on a porch of a house he didn’t know. His dreams had been vivid, and he had written down some details right after he woke up just so he wouldn’t forget about them. Carefree Kathryn.

His morning was spent mostly teaching classes, and he was surprised at how focused he actually managed to be. Compartmentalizing had never been a problem after Voyager, he should thank Kathryn for that, really. After his classes were over he replayed her message just to make sure she did mean lunch, today. He knew where she usually went for lunch because he had seen her there often, so he made sure he was a little early getting there. The owner knew a lot of the former Voyager crew, so he just smiled and nodded to a table when Chakotay came in.

After five minutes and the waiter delivering one herbal tea and one coffee at his request, he saw her. From his table at the window he had a clear view of the street and the corner she would be coming around. He wasn’t wrong, and he smiled at her predictability. She didn’t see him until she walked through the door, and after greeting the waiter she approached him, a little tentatively.

‘Hi Chakotay,’ she started. ‘It’s good to see you.’ He stood, not sure what to offer her but a friendly smile. He dropped his gaze to the floor as she openly met his eyes, realizing she had left the Captain’s mask behind. ‘It’s good to see you too,’ he said. ‘Please, sit.’

She sat down opposite him, not missing the fact that there was fresh coffee waiting for her. ‘I promised you to always have coffee ready,’ he said. ‘I thought it was a good time to remind you of that.’  She looked at him, a myriad of expressions in her face, not one settling long enough for him to grasp it. ‘I haven’t taken you up on that recently, and for that I am sorry,’ she said. ‘You have always been a good friend.’

 

 

Sitting opposite Chakotay Kathryn found she didn’t know what to say. He was her old friend, best friend, and a few months ago she couldn’t have imagined a day without him. Now, they were something of a mystery to one another. Words had never been the problem for them, they had always had plenty to converse about. Initial greetings today had been casual, albeit a little awkward, but nothing too bad. Now the scene had changed and the time for small talk seemed to finally be over, she found that words, especially the right words, were something she didn’t know much about.

 It was like the worst scenario in Kal-Toh, a game which Tuvok had once described to her as "not about striving for balance but about finding the seeds of order even in the midst of profound chaos."

In her search for balance she had shown Chakotay rejection, even though she had carefully tried to navigate the chaos they had created for themselves. He had given up, unable to balance her rules with his desires. And she didn’t blame him, because given the situation she had asked him for the impossible. There is no such thing as undying loyalty, she should have known that. Just like there is no such thing as the perfect happy ending. It was one of the reasons she had wasted no time in finding someone after they got home, because the chaos Chakotay had left in her head and in her heart would have crippled her before she ever had a chance to navigate towards any kind of resolution.

Sitting opposite that man right now was a little daunting, especially because she had called this ‘meeting’ after catching him spying on her yesterday. Did it really have to come to this? Did they have to become strangers before admitting that they wanted each other’s company?

Chakotay decided to break the silence. ‘You look good,’ he said. ‘I hope you feel happy.’ She nodded a little. ‘I am, Chakotay. It has been a hard few months. But I’m happy to be home.’ He shifted a little in his seat. ‘You wanted to talk about last night. There really is no excuse, Kathryn. And I am sorry, I’ll stop, it is completely inappropriate.’

She chuckled. ‘Spying on your former Captain, yes, that is inappropriate.’ She leaned her face on one hand, like she had done on Voyager leaning over their console towards his command chair. ‘I understand why you did it, though. You promised me something and you haven’t let go yet.’

He sighed and rubbed his forehead. ‘Should I? Let go?’ The tone he used was similar to when she had asked him to define parameters. ‘I’m not sure I can,’ he added. ‘Let go.’

I’m not asking you to,’ she said. ‘I’m not saying it was okay what you did, but I’m not offended by it.’ He huffed. ‘I’m sure your... Partner disagrees.’ Boyfriend just sounded ridiculous, and male friend didn’t cover it for him. Still, it stung to say these words to her, because deep down he knew that the term ‘partner’ belonged with him. It suited him.

‘My ‘partner’ is called Thom, and he doesn’t know, so you’re fine.’  She sipped her coffee. ‘So I guess the notifications I’ve gotten of people requesting my schedule was mostly you?’ He nodded. ‘I think it was, yes.’

‘How’s Seven?’ she decided to change the subject.

‘Annika,’ he corrected immediately. ‘She’s fine, you know. She’s doing really well, adjusting.’  Kathryn nodded. ‘That’s good.’

‘Kathryn, we are not in a relationship,’ he said softly. ‘We dated a couple of times but it’s over. We agreed a long time ago that it would never work.’ ‘I’m sorry,’ Kathryn stated. ‘I really am. I want both of you to be happy and the prospect of Seven being with you was… Comforting in a way. I know you. I know you would keep her safe.’  He didn’t correct her this time. ‘Like I promised to do for you,’ he added, because he felt it was on the tip of her tongue. ‘And you did,’ she said confidently. ‘We’re home.’

‘But our friendship got left behind,’ he pushed on. ‘I think I caused that and it was never my intention.’ Kathryn felt uncomfortable now, because she knew exactly what she wanted to say, but she knew that it wouldn’t be fair to Chakotay to throw it all on him. She hadn’t investigated properly. She had assumed that she had no place with him, and that had broken them apart in the end. Especially now that she knew his thing with Seven had not been serious. Chakotay felt her unease and decided to continue. ‘A long time ago I swore to stay by your side and I faltered. The timing was terrible and I know I should have waited for you, but Kathryn… You never gave me a chance.’ Tears were now in her eyes. ‘I couldn’t,’ she said. ‘You could have,’ he disagreed. ‘Near the end, you could have. When we arrived back home, you could have.’ He knew he was probably not being very tactful but he didn’t care at this point. ‘I need your friendship, Kathryn. If the past few months have taught me anything it is that seven years is enough for someone to settle into ones soul for good. You are in mine and I need time like this with you, if you are still willing to grant me that.’

She nodded, her emotions slowly fading to a controllable level.  ‘I miss our friendship too. You have to stop coming to the window, though. I’m a big girl, I can take care of myself. You don’t have to protect me.’ He lowered his head.  ‘Okay.’ She reached out her hand to him, elbow still on the table. ‘Don’t hide from me, Chakotay,’ she said softly.

He took her hand and his soul reached out to hers. Her heartbeat quickened to meet his and their eyes said it all. The promise of so much more would remain unspoken, untouched between them to be saved for a later time, or maybe to never be spoken of again. They were both aware of it, though. But for now, the most important thing was that they had a friendship to rebuild. No more punishment.

They agreed to meet up two days from now, at his house. She invited him to come over to meet Thom which he respectfully declined, but he did throw in an invitation for her to bring him just to show how he meant everything he said. She smiled sadly and thanked him for asking. He knew Thom wouldn’t accompany Kathryn two days from now. She’d come alone, because she wanted to.

Lunch was nice, a little awkward but nice and Kathryn felt hopeful as she left Chakotay standing in the street about an hour later. She valued his friendship and she was very grateful that he hadn’t pushed anything else. She felt a little guilty for putting him in this situation but he seemed to understand that her relationship with Thom was one born out of necessity, a need for comfort and love when he had turned away from her. There was a lot that still needed to be discussed but they had time.

And for the first time since being home Kathryn wasn’t scared of slowing down. Taking a second, just to breathe. To look in the mirror and decide what she liked and didn’t like about her reflection.

The realization had been around the corner for a while now, but she had never allowed herself to feel it. However, suddenly, there it was. She had been afraid of that one thing, that thing that would always be with her, wherever she went, whoever she became. Her reflection, which confronted her with every decision, every word and every thought she had ever made, said or had. It was scary. But today, for the first time, she found comfort in the idea because of her best friend. And just like that, facing herself wasn’t impossible anymore.

 


	5. Something Old, Something New

_“No one knows me like you do_

_And since you’re the only one that matters_

_Tell me who do I run to?” ~Adele_

 

Once she was home again, Kathryn allowed herself some time to actually feel. Her day had been filled with work after her lunch with Chakotay, and she hadn’t given herself the luxury of letting her emotions fully form. There was a lot of information that she wanted to dig through, a lot of things that seemed important to her. For instance, the fact that he had admitted to having watched her for a while. She didn’t feel mad and she really couldn’t blame him, especially after he had offered up the important piece of information that he and Annika weren’t a couple anymore. Had they ever really been? She didn’t remember, as it seemed that whole time had just been a figment of her imagination.

Thom had messaged her saying he’d be home very late, he’d been off to Vulcan for the day but his meeting there wasn’t going according to plan. Kathryn wanted to tell him to take his time, she didn’t mind the prospect of having an evening to herself. ‘Computer, open a channel to Admiral Jefferson,’ she commanded. The computer complied, and Thom replied almost immediately. ‘Hi, Kathryn. I’m sorry, the mission is taking a lot longer than expected.’ She shook her head gently. ‘It’s okay Thom, I understand. You can stay on board the Leonard if you want to, I know you were scheduled to leave again tomorrow.’ The USS Leonard was a diplomatic vessel, with quarters designed to transport Admiralty and royalty from planet to planet. ‘Okay,’ Thom said, clearly not too pleased. ‘I might do that. But I’ll miss you.’ She smiled. ‘Same. Now get back to your meeting.’ He nodded. ‘See you tomorrow, then.’ ‘Bye,’ she said sweetly and closed the channel. For a second she sat on the side of her desk, wondering how she really felt about this situation.  So many things had changed in a day, and she really, really missed the quiet evenings on Voyager now. Tonight would have to do, she decided, and without hesitation she ordered another bath. That had always been her favorite way of unwinding after a tough day of work, and although today could hardly be considered ‘a tough day at work’ it was still an important day. Maybe monumental, even. It was the day she had learned that her best friend was indeed single and, like she, ready to reinitiate their friendship.

She had felt their connection the second he had stepped onto her bridge. She had felt it again when she had seen him in the darkness recently. It would always be there, it was beyond them. But that didn’t mean it was to be ignored by them. She was beginning to understand that she’d taken him for granted. In her eyes, she had been clear in her intentions. Recently she had seen that she was wrong there, but she’d also realized that she really didn’t have much of a choice. The line between safe and unknown turmoil was just too thin, and it had become easier to just stay far away from that gray area. However, she had pushed him away with her actions, and she knew she should be immensely grateful for him to be as loyal as he was.

However, there was still the matter of Thomas Jefferson. The man who had waited for her. Who had actually put his life on hold for her because he still believed she would come back to him. Who had persevered even where Chakotay had faltered, even without the knowledge that she was alive and finding her way back home. He did not deserve her running back to her First Officer, in fact he deserved far more than she thought she could give him. Thom seemed content with everything she was willing to offer him, though, and that made her feel adequate. And adequate in a relationship was something that she desired. The last time she, Kathryn, had felt adequate, or ‘enough’, had probably been on that planet. First, on the planet that was supposed to have been their New Life. And she’d felt that way again, on the planet where she hadn’t even known of her old life. What did it mean that this was the first time she actually felt good about being herself without the influence of either a deadly disease or intense brainwashing in over seven years? Was her relationship to Chakotay ever going to be a healthy one?

Did she want it to be?

Sighing, Kathryn undressed and got in her steaming bath. She had ordered bubbles and the soft smell of cocoa and sheabutter were filling the room. Getting in the tub she tried to relax, leaning her head on the edge to keep from sliding down if she were to fall asleep. ‘Computer, play music, selection Kathryn Alpha-Three. Second installment,’ she ordered. The computer beeped and piano music started filling her bathroom. Closing her eyes, she imagined being back on Voyager. She thought back to the older woman, the other Kathryn Janeway, the reason they were home right now. She’d called her stubborn and self-righteous, and quite rightly so. Had that quality been the only thing between her and Chakotay at some point? Probably, and hiding behind ‘parameters’ had only helped so much. Talking to the older Janeway had taught her that yes, she was stubborn. And yes, she was often operating in a morally gray area, but she had always had Chakotay by her side to navigate those lines with her. However, the pain and sadness the Admiral had had for her past with her old friend, the emptiness she had conveyed when talking about his marriage to Seven had made the Captain careful. Because if she wasn’t to have his love, she didn’t want to have any part of him. If that was the path he wanted to walk then she would have to let go of his hand, so that it would be free to take Seven’s hand for further guidance. It had been around that time when her brain had started to even consider imagining a future without him. And it hadn’t been a pleasant imagination. Still, upon arriving home, that had become a reality as she had seen him stand beside Seven, and she had felt his presence no longer with her. He had moved on. They were home.

That was months ago. This was today. She had wanted to run to him, to talk to him, to just be around him on many occasions. She had been in rooms with admirals and questions and all she had wanted was to have a cup of coffee with her friend. All that time, she hadn’t seen him, she hadn’t talked to him, and she hadn’t felt his support. It was around that time that she had found that life without him was possible, if unpleasant, but it had caused her brain to partially settle. Settle for Thomas Jefferson, who was so much easier in his loving. Less demanding, less overwhelming, but also in love with her. She had convinced herself (without much work) that it was enough.

After about thirty minutes her musical selection came to an end, having been programmed for her to have a good soak but not stay in the water too long. She grabbed a towel, quickly dried off and changed into comfortable clothes before heading towards the replicator. A coffee would probably keep her up, but then again, she hadn’t had a good night’s sleep in seven years. Tonight wouldn’t be the one that killed her. ‘Coffee, black,’ she said softly and the replicator complied. ‘You might be able to make a decent coffee, but you’re still a glorified toaster,’ she muttered to the thing before turning back towards the couch. Overlooking the park she watched as night fell over the grass, darkening the trees and creating shades wherever the light disappeared behind buildings or clouds. She loved the slightly gloomy, mysterious shade of blue what was created by the rainclouds above the courtyard, ominous and dangerous. They reminded her of a time spent crying, in his arms, and strangely they were some of the fondest and clearest memories she had of her time in the Delta Quadrant.

A flash startled her and she stood, grabbing the blanket she had been sitting with and wrapping it around her. She walked over to the window to watch as the storm gathered above her head, lightning flashing a white light across the field in front of her apartment. For a second she could clearly see the building across, the pillar that Chakotay had claimed as his, and then it was gone again. She wondered for a moment where he was, and then her brain registered it.

He was right there. He wasn’t hiding this time, and he hadn’t been spying. He was just walking, almost casually, along the path that crossed the courtyard from north to south to disappear between two buildings on the far side. He glanced towards her window, and a flash lit up the entire park again. She saw him, and her heart jumped a little. She wasn’t mad, but she felt a tingle up her spine. She caught the glimpse of his comm badge and decided to call him. ‘Kathryn to Chakotay,’ she said. ‘Chakotay, come here.’ He met her eyes from across the way and he nodded. Tapping his badge he answered. ‘On my way. I didn’t mean to intrude.’ She lowered her head in a smile. ‘You weren’t. Just get in here before the storm gets any worse.’ He chuckled. ‘Returning a favor?’ ‘More like saving your ass once again,’ she said seriously. ‘I’ll be right there, Captain,’ he added with a smile in his voice. ‘Chakotay out.’

She went to her door and let him in, just as it started to rain heavily. Big drops hit him and soaked his shoulders just before he was fully inside. ‘See?’ she said. ‘I told you it would get worse.’ He nodded. ‘I should know better than to argue with you. I’m sorry, I was just taking a walk and happened to end up here. I really wasn’t coming to see you two,’

‘Thom isn’t here,’ she reassured him.  ‘He is staying on the Leonard tonight. Diplomatic mission.’ ‘Oh,’ Chakotay said. ‘Well, then I’m safe when I say that I wasn’t spying on you.’ She shook her head. ‘You’re not off the hook, Commander. But I believe you, and I have to say I’m glad you are here. I think our earlier conversation has brought back some old memories. Good ones, I have to say. Can I offer you a cup of tea?’ He chuckled. ‘Actually, I could use a coffee.’ Her eyes went big. ‘Are you serious? At this time?’ ‘Hey, don’t you dare, Kathryn.’ They laughed together and she ordered him a coffee, handing it to him and mentioning to the couch. ‘I hope you have time to sit with me for a second.’ ‘Sure,’ he said, and he sat down next to her.

 

Conversation flowed quite easily again as she told him of her earlier musings, how her feelings on storms had changed during the course of the years. They had seen quite a few different storms, but the plasma storms on New Earth seemed to have made an impression on both of them. She told him how much she appreciated his help and support back then, and he assured her he was just glad that she was okay. ‘Letting go was hard,’ she said quietly, and another flash lit up her face. He could see she had turned sad, and he realized he didn’t know if she was talking about the past or the present. ‘You taught me to not sacrifice the present for a future that may never happen,’ she added, before looking at him with tears in her eyes. ‘I’m sorry if my timing has caused you pain.’ He took her hand across the couch and she didn’t pull back, instead she just looked at him. ‘It was true for our entire journey, Kathryn. You sacrificed our present, and I understood your reasons. I didn’t agree with them, but that didn’t matter. In the end I guess I gave up on my future as well. It’s a lot to ask a man to wait, especially if he doesn’t know for sure if there is something he is waiting for.’ She nodded. ‘I understand, and I don’t regret the decision, it was the right thing to do. One day I hope you will understand that, and I hope you will forgive me.’ He nodded and looked down. ‘Kathryn, there is nothing to forgive.’

Her right hand that wasn’t holding her coffee came up to his forearm. She smiled sadly and a tear dropped from the corner of her eye. He searched her face for a moment and softly pressed his lips to her cheek. It was only a second, but it was enough for her entire being to betray her.

She exhaled on a shudder, her shoulders slumping under the weight of her burden. She leaned in to him, only a touch, but he felt it nonetheless. Emboldened by her response he repeated his kiss, only this time he kissed her lips. Softly, shortly, but it was enough.

 

 

Kathryn looked up at Chakotay, one of her hands still on his forearm. She released him and sat back, and for a moment she was lost in thought.

The objective had always been: Keep the crew safe.

But the longer they had been out there, the more time they had spent together, she’d felt her priorities shift. She hadn’t wanted it, it wasn’t a conscious decision, but slowly her new objective became:

Keep Chakotay safe.

It didn’t mean that the crew was less important. It just meant that he had become more. More important, more valuable. His life meant more. In that same equation, her own life was something that was never considered before. She had always feared a deeper connection to Chakotay, a romantic relationship, because she knew herself and she knew her ability to love. He would change her life in a way that would mean she was no longer ready to sacrifice herself. Her happiness would fill her, and it would make her content. But being content meant being scared of losing that contentment. And being scared meant making different decisions, decisions based on that emotion rather than duty or logic. She had been unable to accept that. The crew would always need to come first. The sacrifice of personal happiness was a cost she had been very willing to pay.

That had been the premise off of which she based her entire reasoning. However, now that they were home and the opportunity to be with him without the pressure of command had presented itself, she found that this could all be thrown out the airlock. There was no more crew. No more titanic responsibility for over 165 souls. People would get hurt, yes. But it was no longer an impossible decision. Guilt shot through her, of course, but compared to the guilt, shame and longing she had felt for Chakotay and for herself the past seven years this was just a fleeting thing, a shiver of an emotion not to be paid attention to. Chakotay deserved this. They deserved this. In time, she might even come to believe that she deserved this.

So she just sighed. Her hands didn’t come up to his chest like he expected, she didn’t push him away. It was short and sweet and it didn’t really change any parameters that hadn’t been changed by their conversation earlier, but it changed the future and both of them accepted it. It was something new, something they had both thoroughly explored in their imagination but they had never expected to actually happen.

Chakotay smiled at her, a relaxed, content smile. The captain hadn’t reappeared and shut him down with just a look like he knew she could.  It wasn’t smart, and in no way had he planned this, but he was glad that it happened. It was the next, natural step in their relationship and he knew the timing was awful, her situation far from ideal but he also knew what he had seen in her face. Acceptance. It was a look that he had seen from her before: She would look at him, a little doubtful at first, but it would quickly change into a quiet look. One that emanated trust, understanding and confidence. He had seen it on New Earth, shortly before they had been contacted by Voyager.

How this would progress, neither knew. They just knew that there was no way it wouldn’t progress. Their love was something neither of them had ever been in control of. It was something old, ancient even, and it wouldn’t be denied.

He left that evening feeling hope, but also closure. A sad part of his life was about to come to an end. He wouldn’t revisit this place, at least not like the creep he had been, sneaking around in the dark. However, maybe now there was a place for him in the light. Maybe hiding was no longer necessary as he had felt their unspoken attraction still there, still undeniably strong. And that had been before the kiss. Before she had decided to even allow him in, they had both known that she would. Just like he had known he would serve under her from the second his eyes had met hers across her bridge eight years ago. Like she had known he would always be there for her since he had put his hand on her shoulder in front of a cargo bay door. Eight years ago he didn’t even know her name, and today he couldn’t imagine a day without her. He had survived many days without her, but had he really lived? He had felt more like he was running away from life. And in the end, he’d run to the only person who knew him better than he probably did himself.


	6. In You I See Myself

_“How long have I known you?_

_Not in all this time been untrue_

_I think I'm rolling free, let me see this through_

_You know me better than I know myself.” ~Roisin Murphy_

 

Chakotay decided to read a little before heading to bed, as his brain was still full of images of Kathryn. It was either read, or head off to a boxing session, but he knew he was too distracted and would probably end up getting hurt. Also, he had no aggressive energy he needed to get rid of, just some quiet buzzing of enthusiasm.

As he was reading, his thoughts drifted off to the conversation he’d had with Kathryn. She still knew him, he realized, better than he knew himself. She hadn’t needed him to explain why he had visited her courtyard, she knew that he still upheld his vows to her. Even if he had drifted off course, like a shuttlecraft without propulsion, he still had a destination but he’d veered slightly away for a minute. Whether the shuttle or the ship was the first to make a move again wasn’t important, as long as eventually, they would reunite. And for them, reuniting and reigniting their friendship was the only way it was ever going to be.

 

‘I know you,’ he’d once told her. It had been early on in their journey, and at that time it had been a strange thing for him to say. She had asked him, during a talk about his religion and meditation, how he had known that she was to be trusted. ‘I know you,’ he’d simply said. He hadn’t meant I know who you are, I’ve met you before. He had just meant that her spirit was known to him. He saw her, and he had no better way of explaining it.

Throughout their travels she had saddened him sometimes. But she’d also made him feel joy, love, pride and determination like never before. She’d made his heart swell with many emotions, and she’d broken it without hesitation, although not on purpose. Later, she’d sealed the million pieces together again with a smile and a tear, when he had once again told her he knew her although not with those exact words. There were many reasons to trust Kathryn Janeway with his friendship and his love, however none was as clear to him as the fact that she was exactly who he had trusted her to be when he had first met her.

There was but one problem with Chakotay and his knowledge of Kathryn’s spirit. His heart didn’t know boundaries, it only knew how to fully give. He had expected hers to be the same, and he had seen sometimes that he was right. However, she seemed to have a cage around her heart, one that made loving her impossibly hard. If she had never shown him, he’d have been fine. But he saw it, right beneath the surface, in those fierce blue eyes. In quiet moments, it was there. In battle, both physical and emotional, the doors of her cage opened just a bit for him to keep hoping. He knew her.

And she knew him. He suspected that at that time, those early days in the Delta Quadrant, she had already known him as well. She had just made different choices, ones that had kept them apart and their true feelings unspoken, and he had respected them because he was sure that in the end he would be able to persuade her. It wasn’t about love anymore. That was a given from a very early point, although never spoken out loud, neither of them doubted it. It was about that cage, about her fear of the past repeating itself. The fear of a future for many jeopardized by her present feelings that wouldn’t let her go. Now, today, those reasons were invalid, and she knew that. She knew him.

 

Sighing, he put down his book. How in the universe they had ended up like this, he didn’t know. If they hadn’t met, he’d be dead, he knew that for sure. So why he had let her drift away like he had, he couldn’t contemplate. He would have to deal with Admiral Thom Jefferson, because she seemed genuinely happy with him, but then again, she had allowed the kiss with a peace in her eyes he had rarely seen before in a personal setting. It was awfully close to the danger zone, to the point where she would undoubtedly shut him out again if he pushed, so he knew he had to be extremely careful. However, he was intimately familiar with the intricacies of a Janeway mind and he felt confident he’d be able to navigate through its many dangers. He just had to remember that her soul was familiar to him.

He wondered when he would see her again. Their date still stood, so he would see her two days from now for breakfast. However, their earlier conversation at her place hadn’t been planned, so who knew what tomorrow would hold? He vowed to himself to uphold his promise once more and wait for her. She would have to set the pace, even though he had skipped forward a little by kissing her. He valued her friendship and above all he knew that would have to always come first.

Chakotay decided to get some sleep, or at least try. He ordered the lights down and got ready for bed. He used a PADD to access his personal logs from Voyager, the ones no one ever got to see. Sometimes he used them to remind himself of a situation, or a feeling. Tonight he’d use them to try and put his mind at ease, try and remember exactly how their friendship had come to be. And at what point it had transformed into so much more. He had told her she’d never given him a chance, but reading back, he knew that wasn’t true. He just hadn’t pushed enough. However she had changed, and her protocols and parameters had grown more important. By the time he had found his courage and true path she had as well and her cage had been constructed to keep his heart from owning hers.

He vowed to himself to be careful. After all, she was in a relationship now and she seemed okay with that. She hadn’t apologized for it, and he hadn’t expected her to. He was as much to blame as she was for their estrangement. However, where on Voyager he might have had a better chance if he’d pushed more, he knew that wasn’t the case anymore. She was one of the most loyal people he knew, and she would never betray Thom. He also feared how much it would hurt her if she did decide to let Thom go, because he had seen what the leaving of Jaffen and Kashyk had done to her. Both had been very different, but both had devastated her. He realized that it was very likely that by that point, she had just given up on love completely, because of her bad luck in the matter. And he’d never really shown her that she was wrong. He’d just observed, from a distance.

 

Onboard the Leonard, Thomas Jefferson also decided to get some sleep. He was glad he had at least spoken to Kathryn and she had seemed fine with him not coming home. He knew it was dangerous to make a habit out of this, and he didn’t intend to, but sometimes it was just very convenient to stay on board instead of planetside. He missed her, and even though he knew he’d be back soon enough he couldn’t help but think about the man he’d encountered the other day. Commander Chakotay, or just Chakotay, as he knew him from Kathryn’s logs, had always intrigued him. A Maquis rebel Captain who had gone rogue during his Starfleet time, a man of principle, a man of belief. It had always struck Thom as romantic that she had been sent to capture him, but instead he had ended up serving under her as her most loyal advisor and friend. In the beginning, Thom had been absolutely sure that there had been a romance there. Maybe not today, but in the earlier days, there was no way there hadn’t been any attraction. Kathryn however had assured him that even though Chakotay was her best friend, they had never crossed that line, and Thom chose to believe her. There was no real evidence to suggest otherwise, except for the outlandishly handsome First Officer himself and the way he knew Kathryn was attracted to the bad guys. She had explained to him her reasons for her celibacy, and he had detected some sadness there, but mostly she was factual and to the point. As she had explained it to him she would never have started a romantic involvement with anyone on her crew while in the Delta Quadrant, just because she was the Captain. He respected that decision, even though he couldn’t help but wonder if he had done the same thing. For a man it’s different, she had concluded with a soft voice. It shouldn’t be, but it is.

Never had she specifically named Chakotay as a love interest. She had told him about friendly, protective Jaffen, about the devilishly good-looking Kashyk, even about the Sullivan hologram that she’d altered to fit her needs. He knew Kathryn, and he knew her to be a hopeless romantic deep down beneath the Captain’s mask, so he knew that each of those men had broken her heart a little. He also knew that her romantic heart was probably the reason she was with him now, and why she’d accepted him into her life so soon after returning to Earth. He was grateful, because he cared deeply about her. And he knew she cared about him, and that was enough.

Still, there was the lingering question of Commander Chakotay and what he actually embodied. He had been her closest friend if he was to believe Kathryn, but Thom hadn’t seen much proof of that apart from the stories he had heard and read. Being back on Earth seemed to reset them to a previous level in their relationship, before they were best friends, and Thom was a little uncomfortable with that. He knew Kathryn was shocked by the relationship between Annika Hansen and Chakotay, but as far as he knew they had never even really discussed it. And as far as he knew her shock was purely based on the relationship happening completely unbeknownst to her up until a certain point.

Still, he couldn’t figure out the tension. He had the idea that no matter how much Kathryn talked about her former First Officer, no matter how much he would ask... He would always get the edited version of their story. He would forever remain on the outside, just getting a director’s cut into whatever it was that was their relationship.

 

 

A couple of lightyears away, Kathryn was pondering a similar question. Her options had gone from zero to too many in too short a time, and she was not mentally and emotionally equipped to deal with both men right now. She cared for Thom, some might even call it love, and she knew she might have accepted it as such had it not been for her journey and experience on Voyager. Of course had she not gotten lost in the Delta Quadrant she’d be married to Mark by now. While she had been away from Earth, her heart had slowly travelled a difficult road as well. She had learned how to accept the loss of Justin and Mark, and finally, she had allowed herself to let go. The love that had come from that had been something she had never experienced before. First of all, Chakotay was a physically attractive man, and it had been one of the first things she had noticed about him. Not one to typically go for sex appeal only she had needed more time to get to know him, but slowly she had found out that she was in more trouble than she had initially thought. Her heart had decided for her, this was no matter of the mind. He was everything, which was why she had to deny herself everything. However it had made her realize that she had always settled for ‘almost perfect’, perfection never being the goal. Seven had seen it, though: Perfection was obtainable.

It was late, but her train of thought had persuaded her to do something she had been putting off. She wanted to talk to Seven. Kathryn walked to her desk and requested a channel to her former protégé, who was on assignment. ‘What can I do for you, Admiral,’ Seven opened the line. She sounded tense, Kathryn noted.

‘Annika, it’s good to talk to you,’ she started. ‘I have been meaning to check up with you more often, so I thought I would take this opportunity and just do it.’

‘We have not spoken for quite some time,’ Annika answered. ‘In fact, I believe this is the first communication I have received from you since we got back to Earth.’ It wasn’t an accusation, merely a factual statement. Still, Seven’s icy voice and piercing tone had Kathryn on edge. Their connection was audio only, and Kathryn stood to pace. ‘You’re right, and I’m sorry. I don’t have a good reason for not calling. How have you been?’

‘Fine, I have been adapting. It has been challenging, but acceptable. I assume you have been informed about my personal status?’

Kathryn cringed. ‘If you mean your relationship with Commander Chakotay, then yes. He told me that you were no longer seeing each other. I am sorry, Annika. He’s a good man.’

‘He is,’ Seven agreed. ‘However, I found him to be a less suitable love interest than expected. Although I think I did love him, and I was sad to see him go, I’m sure we made the right decision. We are both free to pursue other avenues.’

‘Have you?’ Kathryn dared to ask. She hadn’t intended on checking Chakotay’s facts, but now that Seven had confirmed hers and Chakotay’s breakup she couldn’t help herself. ‘Are you happy, Annika?’

She heard the younger woman sigh to contemplate her answer for a few seconds. ‘I feel as if... I have found someone who is a better match for me. He gives me space, but also his time. He is intellectually able to challenge me like Chakotay, and he is also kind and giving. However I feel he understands my need to be independent and to grow separately a bit better.’

Kathryn smiled to herself. So, Chakotay had been too clingy. How typical of him, the man who was known to be the most loyal and protective person on Voyager had been too involved for the former drone. One of his best qualities had led to the demise of their relationship. Suddenly she understood a little bit better why he had been watching her from a distance. He had been scared to be heartbroken but he hadn’t been able to let her go. She also realized he hadn’t fully explained himself. And she realized she hadn’t needed him to.

‘That sounds wonderful, congratulations,’ she said. ‘Who is he, anyone I know?’

‘I don’t feel comfortable disclosing that information,’ Seven answered. ‘He likes his privacy just like I do. And as the first drone to regain humanity it hasn’t been easy to have a quiet life.’

‘I can imagine,’ Kathryn answered. ‘My life hasn’t been exactly quiet either. If you need me to call the press off your back, just let me know and I will see what I can do for you.’

‘That won’t be necessary,’ Seven answered. ‘But thank you for the offer. It was good to speak to you again.’

Kathryn understood that this conversation was over. She was hopeful that this would reinstate communication between her and Seven, because even though they had had their disagreements, she found she missed the insights and ideas Seven had. ‘I will leave you to it,’ she concluded the conversation. ‘I hope we can stay in touch more regularly from now on.’

‘I don’t see why not,’ Seven said. ‘I could use your guidance in some cases.’

‘Don’t hesitate to call me if you find yourself in that position,’ Kathryn said.

‘Goodnight, Admiral,’ Seven said. Kathryn smiled. ‘Goodnight, Seven.’

It was the only time she slipped up on the name and Seven didn’t comment, for which Kathryn was grateful. To her, she would always partially remain Seven of Nine, tertiary adjunct of Unimatrix Zero One. The drone that had turned into an extraordinary woman, who had grown so much with her help and had then outgrown her tutor by engaging in a relationship with the one man the Captain hadn’t seen coming. Still, she had saved the ship on many occasions, and Kathryn would always have a soft spot for the stubborn and logical, but also compassionate and brave blonde.

Kathryn smiled to herself, so it was true. She was getting over Chakotay, and she was starting another relationship. That meant that whatever would happen, Seven would be okay, and she realized that that was the true reason she had wanted to talk to her. Captain Kathryn Janeway, still looking out for Voyager’s crew.  

She thought back to Chakotay. They still had a standing appointment two days from now, and she was looking forward to it, but also slightly dreading any awkwardness that their kiss might have brought. Seeing his place, the house he called home now was something she was also looking forward to, especially now that she knew he was living there alone. It didn’t change the parameters of their relationship in the slightest, but she felt a little more comfortable going to him. Actually, she wanted to talk to him about the Delta Quadrant program he had been running, because she wanted to get more involved. She’d just been putting it off because facing him had been hard. However, their recent reconnection had been nice and she felt a little better about where she had left him at that party that had marked the end of their working relationship. They were both guilty of something, but between them, there was nothing to forgive. They had been together for seven years, although it was never about the years but about the experience. Like hers, his was an old soul, one no longer tempted by the shine of a career or the perks of a promotion. The only thing that mattered to the both of them was a human connection, a way of being in the moment and giving another being purpose and possibilities. Together, they knew that they were strong. As friends they were unbreakable. As soulmates they would be everything.


	7. Pretend

_“Drop his name_

_Push it in and twist the knife again_

_Watch my face_

_As I pretend to feel no pain, pain, pain” ~ John Mayer_

The next morning, Kathryn decided to comm Thom to see what his plans would be. Theirs wasn’t a typical relationship, but still she liked knowing if they would be seeing each other today, and if so, when. She had been meaning to talk to him and she wanted to make sure she was prepared.

Thom answered her call almost immediately. ‘Good morning, you,’ he said. On the viewscreen behind him Kathryn could see the glorious landscape of the Vulcan homeworld. She realized she’d missed seeing that planet and made a mental note to visit some time soon. In the background she could see the Leonard’s crewmembers gathering, getting ready for the day. She decided to keep the conversation somewhat professional.

‘Good morning, Admiral. I was wondering what your plans were for returning the Leonard to Earth.’ Thom smirked. ‘I rather like her, I think I might keep her, Kathryn.’ She sighed. ‘Thom… Will you be returning to Earth today?’ He was teasing her and she knew it, but she wasn’t sure she liked it. They were in a rather public space, on an open comm line, and people might be watching. ‘You are wondering when I’ll grace you with my presence again. Well, I can assure you that I’ll definitely be at your service this evening,’ he said without breaking a smile but with a devilish glint in his eyes. ‘I’ll even cook for you.’

‘Ok,’ she just answered. ‘I’ll see you tonight, then.’

‘Hey, Kathryn, I’m sorry,’ Thom said when he noticed her mood. ‘You don’t have to hide, everyone here knows us.’ Kathryn nodded. ‘That’s what I’m uncomfortable with. There’s a few of my old crewmembers on board the Leonard and I’m still their Captain.’

‘You are allowed to be happy,’ Thom said. ‘I’ve heard only praise come from them. It’s okay to drop the mask a little. They’re smart, they see right through it anyway.’ Kathryn nodded. ‘I know, I guess it’s a personal thing.’ She let her gaze wander past Thom to the background where she spotted a few familiar faces. ‘Say hi to Gibson and Martin for me,’ she said. Then, she spotted a blonde. ‘Is Seven.. I mean Annika with you?’

‘She is,’ Thom said, looking back over his shoulder for a moment. ‘She joined us here yesterday, she’s a very capable scientist. She’s a distracting presence though, I mean, all the men are smitten with her, especially the second in command.’

She chuckled. ‘Yeah, I can remember young Harry Kim having similar difficulties on board Voyager. Look at him now, Commander and First Officer.’

‘Lieutenant Hansen is an asset to this crew, and it’s good to have someone with you who can even catch the attention of a Vulcan male,’ Thom smiled.

 ‘I hear she’s romantically involved with someone,’ Kathryn said softly. ‘Possibly someone on the Leonard crew. I’m glad she’s happy.’

‘Well, that’s one lucky man,’ Thom joked. ‘And so am I, by the way.’ She smiled at him.  ‘Seven is extraordinary, she always was.’

‘She’s a real asset to any mission,’ he said. ‘Although her communications skills could use some development, she seems to work well with the crew. She has earned her place in this family.’

‘I’m glad to hear it,’ Kathryn sighed. ‘I can’t imagine what it must be like for her.’

‘Neither can I,’ Thom said. ‘I’ve got to go, Kathryn. I will let you know my ETA, and I meant what I said about cooking.’ She nodded. ‘Thank you, and I didn’t mean to sound unappreciative. I know you did not mean to make me uncomfortable. I am just still getting used to not being the Captain.’

‘I know,’ he said. ‘And it’s fine. I should know better. I love you, Kathryn. Bye.’

He closed the line and she dropped her eyes to her hands folded on the table in front of her.

Tonight she had to have a conversation that she had never imagined she would have. She had to tell Thom about Chakotay, and she didn’t even know how she felt about the situation herself, yet she had to try and explain it to him. She was sure she had a future with Chakotay if she chose to pursue him, but she also had a future with Thom, one that was a lot safer. She wasn’t looking forward to putting herself in that position again, where she was about to possibly reject a man not for his flaws, but for her own.

She had half the day off, and while usually she’d be at Headquarters by now preparing work or catching up on reports she decided this morning could be put to better use. Replicating a cup of coffee she started compiling bullet points and preparing what to say to Thom. And to Chakotay, if that conversation were to arrive sooner than planned.

 

Two hours later she was startled by an incoming message. The work was progressing slowly but she was getting some good points down, and she had found that it actually helped her own brain come to terms with things as she was working through them, writing them down on old-fashioned paper.

‘Admiral, it is agreeable to see you again,’ Annika Hansen said from the screen in front of Kathryn. She’s even starting to sound Vulcan, Kathryn thought. ‘Hi, Annika. I wasn’t expecting a call from you, what can I do for you?’

‘If this is not a good time I can call again,’ Annika said. She looked a little tense. From her environment Kathryn gathered she was back on the Leonard. ‘No, it’s ok, it’s always good to speak to you. Like I said before we haven’t had nearly as much time together as I would have liked,’ Kathryn answered. Annika nodded. ‘It is rather urgent. I would like to schedule a meeting with you once we arrive back to Earth later today.’

Kathryn frowned and a nasty feeling crept into her heart. Something was wrong and she felt her heart sink. Even though she had no idea what was happening, the tone of voice Seven used flashed her back to her older self who saved Voyager. ‘Seven is going to die,’ she had said. Of course, the future had been changed by them arriving home, but temporal mechanics always gave her a headache. What if it happened anyway? And what if it screwed with Chakotay the way it did in the other timeline?

Deciding not to get ahead of herself just yet she tried to remain calm to the eye. ‘Okay,’ she answered Annika. ‘I’ll be at Starfleet Headquarters later today and I’ll be there until around 1900h. Schedule a meeting with Jody, you know how to reach her right?’

Seven cocked her head to the side and raised her brow. ‘I do, however I would rather meet somewhere less formal.’ Kathryn pursed her lips. ‘For today HQ will have to do. I have a lot of work to do.’ Seven nodded curtly. ‘Then that will be sufficient. I will arrange a meeting with your assistant.’ Kathryn smiled. ‘Make it so. I will see you later today, then.’ Seven tapped a few buttons on her console. ‘I have to go back to work. The appointment will be in your schedule shortly. Annika out.’

Kathryn sat quietly for a few moments, feeling the adrenaline that had rushed into her system. Her hands were shaking slightly and her heartrate was elevated. Should Chakotay be there? She didn’t even know what the meeting was about, she reminded herself. Seven would always be an important part of her story, and Seven therefore held the power to change that story. Her feelings towards the former drone were fragile, there would always be love, appreciation and pride but jealousy and envy would always be just around the corner. She had to be careful to remind herself at every opportunity that Seven was to blame for none of this, if there was even any blame to place. Things had just not gone to plan.  Then again, what plan? Whose plan?

On the USS Leonard Annika Hansen scheduled a meeting with Admiral Janeway for 1700h. She told Jody the meeting was of a personal nature when the assistant asked if she should be present. Jody seemed surprised, but didn’t comment and Annika inwardly cursed herself for letting her relationship with Chakotay get in the way of staying in touch with Kathryn. After all, she owed her entire life to Kathryn Janeway.

Confirming the appointment one last time she closed the channel to HQ and focused on getting ready to leave for Earth. Admiral Jefferson was safely back on board, the rest of the negotiations having progressed rather quickly, and they would be on their way soon. Seven had only learned this morning that this was the Thom Jefferson that Admiral Janeway was dating, not being interested in gossip meant missing important details like this. However, it only added to the blame she felt in letting her contact with Kathryn dissolve so much. She had no way of knowing. No one had told her.

A few hours later, Annika was on her way to HQ to meet Kathryn Janeway. She was oddly nervous, and even though she knew there were no hard feelings, it was a strange feeling to be walking towards the woman who she felt so many different things for. People often asked Annika what it was like to serve with Admiral Janeway, and of course she had a lot of stories to tell. Each one of them spoke of a strong, brave woman who had taught her so much about morality, logic, intuition and friendship that she could never explain to others what she had meant to Annika. However she tried, and more often than not people asked her about Chakotay next. She would talk her way around that question, speaking of friendship, two crews becoming one, and how she herself became one amongst many. It was the only time she didn’t miss hearing collective voices: Whenever people crowded her with questions about her former romantic interest, she actually yearned to hear just the one voice.

Sooner than she had anticipated she arrived at HQ, and she saw Kathryn’s assistant Jody walking through the downstairs lobby. ‘Excuse me,’ Annika called. ‘You are Admiral Janeway’s assistant.’ It wasn’t a question, just a statement and Jody nodded. ‘Yes, I am. Proudly so. Oh,’ she said when she fully realized who she was talking to. ‘You are Seven of Nine.’

‘I go by Annika now, but yes,’ she affirmed. ‘That was my designation. However I have opted to use my given name on Earth, it is more appropriate.’ Jody nodded. ‘I think it suits you. You’re a little early, I’ll check if Admiral Janeway is free.’

Seven smiled gently. ‘That would be convenient. Thank you.’ She followed the young woman up to the turbolift, then through a few hallways into a small waiting area overlooking the bay. ‘Give me a minute,’ Jody said and left Annika to check on Janeway, only to come back a few seconds later. ‘She’s free, you can go in.’

Annika nodded. ‘I need to ask you something. Can you ensure the Admiral does not get any calls? This conversation is of a personal nature and it is a difficult subject.’ Jody regarded her quietly. ‘I’ll try, but if Admiral Jefferson calls I don’t think I’ll be able to hold him even if I had a whole starship full of security,’ she joked. ‘He can be quite persuasive,’ she added when she saw that Annika wasn’t laughing. ‘But I’ll do my best. I’ll be right out there if you need me,’ she pointed to her desk down the hallway. Annika tried smiling gently again. ‘Thank you, I appreciate your help.’ She turned and headed for Kathryn’s office, thinking it was strange to have a meeting with Janeway somewhere else but among the stars.

 

‘Annika, it’s good to see you,’ Kathryn said earnestly, her eyes warm and inviting. ‘Come in.’

Annika walked inside, immediately seeing how much of Kathryn there was in this office. It looked like her ready room and quarters combined. It suited her.

‘Can I offer you something to drink?’ Kathryn said. ‘You sounded urgent in your message, what can I do for you?’ Annika declined the drink with a short shake of her head.

The quiet movement wasn’t missed by Kathryn and the atmosphere in the room changed. She focused on Seven’s body language and she didn’t like what she saw.

Annika decided that even though this would hurt everyone, it needed to be done. Even though jealousy and envy would always be just around the corner for her regarding Kathryn Janeway, she would always be an important part of Seven’s individuality. She regarded the older woman quietly, and in her eyes she could already see the truth. There was no hiding from a Janeway, she had heard once at HQ when they had just been back to Earth. Back then she hadn’t understood it. Right now, standing in front of Kathryn Janeway, icy blue eyes piercing into hers, every human emotion visible just beneath the surface of the Captains, no the Admiral’s mask, the truth behind that remark was clear to Seven. There was no hiding. Even though the real answers might be evasive to her former Captain right now, she knew something was wrong. And she knew it was going to hurt both of them. Seven found human emotions very hard to deal with, she always had had trouble finding a balance. Be too honest, and people dislike you. Be dishonest or withhold information and people treat you like you’re a liar and a traitor.

Seven was neither, but she felt like both.  

Chakotay, or rather his hologram, had once asked her what she was afraid to lose. She had become agitated because even though she had called his analogy flawed, it had been right on point: She had been hiding behind the logic and perfection of her metronome, living to the rules and regulations of what she believed to be aiming for perfection. However, he had interfered with that path, and looking back she was infinitely glad he had. Because what she stood to gain was something she couldn’t have predicted. But now that had all backfired, because she had taken a risk. She had strayed from her path to perfection once again only to find what had looked to be a perfect situation along the way. Perfection can be deceiving. And so can men, apparently.

‘Captain, I am very sorry to have to tell you this. But I think that Admiral Jefferson has been having an affair,’ she stated, mostly emotionless.

‘That’s quite the accusation, Seven,’ Kathryn warned, taken aback.

‘I know this because I regret to inform you that he is the man I have been seeing,’ Seven stated, this time unable to hide the rough edge in her voice. She straightened her back before stepping forward a little, her hands clasped behind her back. Kathryn frowned, her mind having played every possible scenario, every conversation she could ever have with Seven in her head except for this one. Except for the one where the blonde would be standing in front of her, telling her without a doubt that she was in a relationship with a man who had chosen Seven over her. Again.

Even though Seven didn’t know it, her next words would be the final blow to the cage around Kathryn’s heart. They would shatter the steel, crush the walls and penetrate all barriers Kathryn could ever have hoped to create to keep away pain like this. It would all be useless once Seven had stated her final, decisive words.

‘I have been in a relationship with your partner.’

 

 

 

 


	8. Moonlight

_“What do you tell your heart when it asks about me?”_

 

Kathryn just stared at Seven for a moment.

Then, slowly, like water overflowing a bucket that was too small for its contents she felt the evidence wash over her. ‘It’s true, isn’t it.’

‘Yes,’ Seven stated calmly. ‘I didn’t know until you and he were in contact this morning. I was unaware of the appearance of your partner. However now that I am, I intend to end our involvement.’

‘Okay,’ Kathryn stated, still a little overwhelmed. ‘So he has been staying with you?’

‘Last night we were on the Leonard,’ Seven said. ‘Alone. But yes, we have been spending some time together. I must add that I only know him as Thomas, and he invited me on a date first.’

Kathryn was aware that in this situation, Seven was in exactly the same position as she was. Even though the former drone looked mostly unaffected, Kathryn knew her too well to be fooled. ‘I’m sorry this happened to you, Annika,’ she said softly. ‘I assure you I didn’t know, and he had no right.’

Seven nodded. ‘Chakotay once told me the risks were worth the gain. I never fully agreed with his statement, but now I know his reasoning was flawed. You got hurt again because of the risks I took and I am very sorry for that.’

Kathryn smiled sadly. ‘Oh no, none of this is your fault. I know what Chakotay meant by that, and I hope that one day you’ll find he’s not so wrong after all. The situation is just not ideal right now for you to understand what he meant. You’ll find someone, Annika. And right now it seems you are as affected as I am. None of this is your fault.’ It hurt her to say that, not because it was untrue but because it intensified the reality of the situation. One moment, everything was right, and the next it was all falling apart because of one man. Again.

‘And so will you, Captain,’ Seven said softly. ‘I haven’t yet confronted Thomas about this, but I will when I see him again.’ Kathryn stepped towards Seven. ‘I’ll talk to him. I’ll see him tonight, if you’re okay with it I’ll talk to him first. I have no interest in being with a cheater. And I’m sure you don’t either.’ Seven walked towards the window, putting some distance between them again. ‘Indeed. I am also unfamiliar with this situation and therefore I do not know how to properly proceed.’ Kathryn nodded. ‘It’s new for me as well, but I’ve faced my fair share of liars and conspirators to be able to deal with Thom,’ she said, and her heart clenched sadly at the comparison. She would never in a million years quantify him as a liar and a conspirator, but apparently, she had greatly misjudged him. Had it all been a lie? The tales of the past, how he loved her then and never stopped. How he had dreamed about her, dreamed about being with her while she was in the Delta Quadrant, and the story of how he had cried when he had heard of Voyager’s return? Thinking back, it had all been too good to be true for her. She didn’t get to have this kind of luck, this happiness was never hers to have. She remembered the older Admiral, gray hair, edges and wrinkles of sadness framing her face and eyes that told the story of loneliness and despair. Would she turn out like her anyway, no matter what?

Seven shook her out of her thoughts. ‘Admiral, may I suggest you talk to Chakotay before you meeting with Admiral Jefferson. I know you and he are coming to terms with your past and rekindling your friendship and he has always offered me guidance and wisdom. It might be beneficial to your relationship.’ Kathryn looked up at Seven, following her to stand at the window. ‘I might do that,’ she answered. ‘He always was a good counselor.’

Seven left shortly after. The mood in the room was tense, both of them felt like they were falling freely through a web of emotions towards an inevitable breaking of the dam. Neither was willing to admit the depth of their hurt to the other, for both women had thought this could actually be their chance at happiness.

Kathryn watched Seven leave HQ. She was at a crossroads, not knowing what to do next. She needed to talk to Thom, but what would she say? She decided to cancel dinner but tell him she did need to talk to him, so she didn’t have to sit through an entire meal with the knowledge of what he had done. Every time she thought about it she felt stupid for not seeing it coming, for being totally oblivious to his double life. She could barely manage one life, how in the universe had he managed two?

Deciding she really needed to speak to Thom first she didn’t call Chakotay, but sent Thom a message saying to meet her at home as soon as possible. He tried comming her but she didn’t answer, needing him to accept her terms on this. He sent her a message asking if everything was okay and that he would be there asap. She didn’t reply, because she had no idea if everything would ever be okay. She transported home after letting Jody know she’d be off for now but she might be back in later in the evening depending on her ‘schedule’. She had accepted and offered to help, even if she didn’t know what with. Kathryn had just smiled at her and told her everything was fine. Jody really was a treasure to have around. For a split second she considered what she would do if this were Voyager. Would she let her assistant in on her personal life? Probably not.

As soon as she turned the corner to her building she saw the lights on. Walking across the courtyard where she’d seen Chakotay just a few days ago she looked at her home, the one that Thom had apparently already come back to as she saw him rummaging around behind the window.  

She went inside and observed him for a second before approaching him.

‘Hey,’ he said. ‘I’ve missed you, what’s up?’ Kathryn went to the couch to sit down. ‘Don’t, Thom, please.’ He joined her on the couch, leaving a little distance but reaching for her hands. She pulled them into her lap, indicating to him that she didn’t want him to hold her. ‘What’s up?’ Thom repeated. ‘Your message sounded urgent.’ She nodded. ‘Is it true?’ Somehow she expected him to confess. ‘I spoke to Annika, is it true?’

Thom frowned and flinched a little. ‘What did she tell you?’

‘So it’s true. Thom... Are you having an affair with Annika Hansen,’ she asked straight up. ‘Just tell me the truth.’

‘The truth? Kathryn, you don’t tell me the whole story but you expect me to just bare it all?’ ‘No,’ she shook her head, ‘I expect you to not cheat on me with my former protégé and member of my crew.’ He still hadn’t fully confessed but she knew enough. ‘And besides, I was in the Delta Quadrant for seven years. It’s going to take me some time to work through it all.’ She knew she shouldn’t be apologizing to him, but she felt defensive at his stance.

‘Look,’ he said. ‘I don’t know what happened, okay? It just happened.’

‘It didn’t, you asked her out. Do you love her, Thom?’ she asked straight up, her voice soft and quiet. ‘Do you?’ He countered. ‘Do you love me? Do you love him?’

‘What the hell are you talking about?’ she stood, angry now. ‘I’m with you, aren’t I? What goes on between Chakotay and me is strictly based in friendship. Besides, it’s none of your business! I’m not the one who cheated here!’

‘Isn’t it? Didn’t you? You never tell me the whole story, Kathryn. I know there’s stuff you keep from me. And I don’t think I’m okay with that anymore!’

‘This is not about me and him, Thom,’ she said, her voice soft and tense with anger. ‘How dare you pull him into this.’ She saw this was going nowhere and her heart was breaking more and more with each spoken word. She saw only one solution for now. Turning around, she heard Thom yell back at her. ‘No, you don’t get to leave now!’ ‘I can go wherever I want to,’ she spat back. ‘Just like you have, apparently.’

Walking out, she quickly commed Chakotay to ask if he was home. He sounded a little surprised, but said that yes, he was home and he was alone. Grabbing her coat she threw one last look back at Thom, who stood in her hallway throwing his arms up at her before disappearing from view.

 

The walk to his house was short but cold. Her anger and sadness only seemed to intensify the gloom that hung outside.

As Chakotay opened the door for her, she stepped inside with her arms crossed. Their eyes met only briefly, but Chakotay immediately noticed the grim look on her face. Her eyes looked so sad, he had seen that look once before, and it was not a time he cared to revisit. Quietly he let her into his house and mentioned her towards his couch. She sat down and he took up a respectable position next to her.

‘He cheated on me,’ Kathryn stated softly. Chakotay looked at her, his eyes big. ‘What?’

‘Thom,’ she continued. ‘He was having a relationship behind my back. I found out yesterday, and I talked to him about it. He got mad, accused me of loving another as well. It got ugly and I decided to leave.’

Chakotay didn’t comment for a moment, he just opened his arms. She shuffled towards him from her position on the couch and leaned into him. ‘I’m so sorry, Kathryn,’ he said once she was surrounded by his arms. ‘What happened?’

‘I’m not ready to talk about it,’ she stated. ‘Let’s just say it hurts, but deep down I knew something like this was likely to happen. I don’t get to be in a relationship like that. I get to be on the outside.’ He shook his head on top of hers, disarranging her hair slightly. ‘That’s not true. You can have that too, you’re just unlucky.’ She was grateful for his closeness, it having a calming effect on her.

‘Tell me a story,’ Kathryn said.

From her position next to Chakotay she couldn’t see his face, but she could feel his heartbeat where her cheek connected with his chest. A slight flutter beneath his skin told her she had ignited another memory, and she felt proud of the fact that she had seemed to have left an impression on him like he had on her that night on New Earth.

‘Another legend?’ he asked, the humor clearly audible in his voice. ‘You mean a true, ancient story like last time?’

She chuckled. ‘Try and make it a real one this time, okay?’

He sighed and pulled her a bit closer with the hand that had taken up position on her upper arm, softly holding her against him. ‘Okay.’

‘There is actually a legend that I’ve been thinking about a lot recently. It’s about a traveler. This story is different in many tribes, but some things are always the same. This woman traveler visited tribes when they were in need of help. She possessed magic, but only ever used it to help others. Once she is said to have turned a tree into a safe size after a child almost lost its life falling down, just using her breath. She was accompanied by the wise, but she often disregarded their advice, leading her into trouble. However, her bravery and kind heart never failed to save her. She was loved by many, but never took a man during her travels. It was said that she had one man, up where she lived.’

‘Where did she live?’ Kathryn asked, intrigued.

‘Every time she left a tribe to continue her journey she’d tell them: “Each of you go where you must. As for me, I'm staying on the moon”, but no one knew where she truly lived. She was known as the Mistress in the Moon.’

‘What happened to her?’ she inquired.

‘No one knows,’ Chakotay said. ‘But it is said that she tried to trap the sun one day, to keep it from burning down a forest. Some settlers on Dorvan V believed that is one of the reasons that the planet called to them in a spiritual way, they believed Dorvan V and its suns hold her spirit in some way. Over the years the story has changed, but I always feel connected to her good will.’

‘She sounds like a unique creature,’ Kathryn stated. ‘Although I can’t help but think you’ve tricked me again.’

‘Why, you know someone who fits her description?’ Chakotay said teasingly. ‘Because I don’t.’

Kathryn sat up and frowned jokingly at him. ‘Apparently your age is catching up with you.’

‘Hey,’ he tried to sound offended, ‘look who’s talking. From up here I can spot more than a few gray hairs, Kathryn Janeway.’ He pulled her back to his chest, growing serious agin. ‘But this really is one of the many legends my people still tell. I promise you I didn’t make this one up. And of course it does remind me of you, how could it not. Especially during our journey home.’

‘When I didn’t take any men,’ she completed his thought. ‘And now it seems I have two, who both fell for me and for another woman.’

She didn’t sound particularly sad or happy about that, Chakotay thought. It was just a statement.

‘I’m sorry,’ he offered. ‘I know you’re not ready to talk about it and I understand. I didn’t mean to put you in this position.’

‘I know,’ she said, turning to sit up next to him and  putting her hand on his upper arm, which was still resting on the back of the couch. ‘And I didn’t intend to lie to Thom. I just need to find a way to tell him.’ Chakotay was glad that she hadn’t pulled back all the way from him, and that she had been the one to initiate the touch on his arm. ‘I can wait,’ he stated. ‘And if you love him, if you decide you can forgive him then I will support you. But I’ll always be your friend.’

Tears welled up in her eyes. ‘I don’t love him,’ she whispered. ‘And I think I only fully realized that now. We’re just in a strange position, him having done what he did and me not telling him the full story of us. If there even is a chance for us.’

‘Then I’ll wait for you, like I promised before. And you are not alone, Kathryn. If there is anything I can do, whether it is talking to him, staying away, giving you space, talking with you, just let me know. I’ll be here.’

She didn’t thank him and she didn’t acknowledge his kindness, because she knew that words could not do her feelings justice. Instead she decided to grant him a gift by settling back in his arms, if only for a minute, her fingers playing with one of the buttons on his white shirt. When she was ready, she would tell him the full extent of her pain. Right now, he didn’t need to know who the other woman was, it might be best for all their sakes if he didn’t. Everything was fragile, and a quiet tear left her eye at the deeply cutting thought that she was once again juggling a lot of lives, a lot of souls, and she wasn’t letting anyone help her. Not really.

 

After a couple of minutes they finally decided to come out of their hiding place on his couch and face the day again. They could just transport to HQ, but neither of them felt like rushing off, so they decided to take the five minute walk. The rain had stopped, but the wind was persevering, making it a cold and inclement even for the time of year. Chakotay grabbed Kathryn’s coat from the back of the chair she’d draped it over when she came in, and she took it gratefully. He threw on his own jacket and opened the old-fashioned door for her, letting her pass him. She put her hand on his chest briefly as she walked out and he smiled, dropping his eyes to the floor. Her trust in him was something he didn’t feel like he deserved but he was infinitely happy to have. She trusted him to trust her, and that was the ultimate sacrifice of her control of the situation. He would honor her trust if it was the last thing he could do for her. So as she walked a few steps in front of him, down the empty street towards Starfleet HQ, he softly put his hand on her back. He had wanted to do that often on Voyager, but it would have been slightly inappropriate just walking down the hallway. He had made the gesture a couple of times leading her in to rooms, and the familiarity of the feeling came back to the both of them.

‘Don’t,’ she whispered, though. ‘I don’t want to start a rumor.’

He felt disappointment take over his heart but he accepted her reason. ‘Sorry,’ he said, dropping his hand to his side. ‘Don’t be,’ she answered. ‘We just have to be careful for now.’

He nodded even though he was behind her, knowing she’d understand his feelings. ‘It doesn’t matter what he thinks, Kathryn,’ he said softly. ‘He made his decision. But I do understand you need time. I’ve had a long time to think about what I want, you’re only just getting there. Be sure before you take the next step.’ She dropped her head a little. ‘I need to talk to Thom first. I don’t like where we left things.’ Chakotay caught up to her, walking next to her and looking at her from the side. ‘I know I made a similar decision to Thomas,’ he said. ‘But I was stupid and I always knew it wasn’t meant to last. This, whatever we have, is. I’ll be right here if you need me. But take your time in coming to me because I don’t think I will be able to let you walk away again.’ She turned her head towards him. ‘You are not like him. You didn’t cheat. There is a major difference there.’ He didn’t answer her, he just let the reality of her words sink in to the both of them.

Saying goodbye in front of the HQ turbolift wasn’t easy, and Chakotay felt like pulling away from a magnet. The first part was always the hardest. He’d have to get used to being close but far away from Kathryn again, thrust into that limbo between being strangers and being one. He had gotten used to being far away from her, always feeling her pull but getting less affected by it the longer their journey went on. However, he had always been aware of the magnetism of their opposite poles, who, the closer they were, seemed less opposite and more the same. So saying goodbye to her meant strongly feeling that pull again, wanting her to stay close but knowing she couldn’t. And, if she were to honor his request, she might even decide not to come back to him at all. He knew there was a slim chance of that happening, because he was certain she felt the attraction as well. However he knew there was nothing more fickle and dynamic than her heart and will, and even though she had the most willpower he had ever seen in a person he vowed to himself to be careful with her. It was a fine line between regaining her trust and wasting it, and either one would be forever.

Kathryn said goodbye to Chakotay, not planning their next meeting. She wanted to talk to Thom again first, the last time not having gone too well.  However, she had been settling with him, and even though she had known that for a while she hadn’t had the cold realization of it not being close to love until just half an hour ago. Thom would probably understand. He always did. It’s what she liked about him. Even though he had cowardly betrayed her trust in every way possible, she still found it within herself to like him. Infatuation is a strong emotion and she was always quick to be at its mercy, which was the reason why she had kept many men at arm’s length. There was no excuse for infidelity, and of course she was mad. Her years in the Delta Quadrant had hardened her mask, and she had learned to feel sad on the inside only. She had decided to spend the night on her couch in her office, needing the time and distance from everything.

As she looked to the future, she did see a glimmer of hope in Chakotay. He would be there for her, just like he had promised. Her recent experiences had clarified to her the difference between infatuation and love. Chaktoay was different from her, he sometimes needed to feel loved and he needed to show that love back to someone. She didn’t necessarily need that, even though she deeply craved it. She remembered a night on Lake George, with a single rose and two people smiling in the moonlight. She had tried so hard to keep her heart from letting him in that night, but in the end she had already lost that battle.

Then, a thought washed over her. In the end, they weren’t all that different, Chakotay, Thom and her.

For all of them, loving was easy. Committing was the hard part.

 


	9. Sacrifice

That night, on her office couch at Starfleet Headquarters, Kathryn Janeway did a lot of thinking. Contemplating the past was rarely a good thing for her, it often caused pain and guilt, but right now she had little choice in the matter. Was it her? Was she to blame for all of this?

Somewhere around 3AM she came to the conclusion that she had lost her independence. Thom Jefferson had taken that from her, or, she had allowed herself to give it up to him. That had been one of the biggest mistakes she had ever made. Her mother had once said: ‘Never allow a man to tell you who you are. You are you, Kathryn Janeway, and you are enough.’ It had been an invaluable piece of advice, something she quickly learned to apply in her personal and professional life. It had been one of the things in her mind while on Voyager, and in the Delta Quadrant it had been more important to her than ever before to make sure she stood her ground. Coming back had somehow changed that for her and for the first time in her life she had chosen the relationship, the need for human comfort, above herself and her need to be independent. Chakotay would say it wasn’t a bad thing, she thought. He’d argue that she could still be independent and strong even while being in a healthy relationship.

Chakotay.

Her thoughts wandered, not for the first time tonight, to the handsome man that had stood beside her for the better part of a decade, without wanting anything from her in return. The man who had unconditionally loved her even if he knew she would never allow herself the luxury of feeling it. He deserved to know the truth, she thought. He deserved to know the depth of her pain and he deserved to know that there was no way in hell she would ever consider going back to Thom. How completely selfless and utterly Chakotay of him to suggest he would be able to watch her go back if she forgave Thom… She didn’t think she could do the same for him even if she tried. Letting him go, watching him leave had been the hardest thing she had had to deal with personally since receiving Mark’s letter, and even then Chakotay had been there for her and it hadn’t been that hard after all.

Would he be awake right now? It was ridiculously late, or early, but she suddenly had the urge to call him and make sure he knew the whole story. Was that selfish of her? Would he even want to know, what good was it to him? No, she thought. Stop it, Kathryn. He is your best friend and you love him dearly, he needs to know. If he is ever going to understand your feelings moving forward, how you’ll be dealing with this, then he needs to know. So, at 03:09AM she decided to comm Chakotay.

‘Kathryn,’ he sighed, opening the channel . ‘Do you have any idea what the time is right now?’ She smiled sweetly at the sight of him in his pajamas. He had clearly been asleep but he didn’t seem too bothered by her call. ‘It’s early, I know,’ she said. ‘I’m still finding it hard to adjust to a normal sleeping pattern.’ He nodded. ‘I know what you mean. Night shifts just aren’t the same when the sun is out while you’re trying to sleep. Anyway, what can I do for you, Kathryn?’

‘Would you mind if I came over? I feel like we didn’t finish our conversation earlier,’ she said. She saw a smile play across his lips. ‘Kathryn, it’s the middle of the night.’ ‘Yeah,’ she just replied. He sighed and nodded. ‘Okay.’

On the other side of their comm channel Chakotay knew she was right. She did have to talk to him. Annika had called him earlier, accidentally giving away Kathryn’s omission. He had been waiting for her to talk to him all evening but had given up around 1 AM in order to at least get some sleep. Her timing was impeccable as always, but he would gladly give up the rest of his night if it helped her at all. She was hurting and his heart and shoulders were ready to once again try and take some of her burden.

A few minutes later she appeared at his door, and he let her in silently. She was wearing a simple white ensemble consisting of pants and a pullover, her hair loose, her face bearing the marks of wiped away tears. Her eyes were directed at the floor, only meeting his briefly when entering. ‘Hi,’ she just said and made straight for his replicator making herself a glass of wine. ‘Sit down, Kathryn,’ he asked and mentioned for her to take the chair next to him. She did and sighing she leaned her elbows on her knees, folding her hands. ‘How are you feeling?’ he asked, it being the most superfluous question he could ask but he needed the truth. She felt his need for her candor and she needed it just as much, however she was wary of his reaction. ‘I’m okay,’ she settled. ‘I’m tired, and hurt, but okay.’ He frowned and reached over a hand to touch her arm. ‘I can’t imagine how you must be feeling, and I’m sorry.’ She looked at him from her hunched position. ‘I’ll get through it. I’m glad we’re talking, it would have been a lot harder on my own.’ He knew she didn’t just mean talking right now, but talking in general and he wondered again how he had let her drift away so far.

After a few minutes she sat up straighter, taking another sip from her wine glass. ‘I can’t believe I didn’t see it coming.’ Chakotay shrugged. ‘You’re only human, Kathryn. He had a busy job, you were working a lot, you couldn’t have known.’ She pursed her lips. ‘To think what I would have given up for him if this hadn’t happened… You know we talked about marriage once.’ Chakotay dropped his eyes. ‘I didn’t know.’ ‘He even started the conversation,’ she continued. ‘I just.. How dare he.’ Chakotay didn’t want to push but he wanted her to talk about the real issue here, because he knew it would most likely backfire into their relationship if they didn’t talk about it soon. Annika Hansen had been the pitfall for both him and Thomas, and Chakotay knew Kathryn well enough to see she was feeling the implications. ‘Kathryn, I have to tell you something.’

The fear and loneliness that crossed her eyes right that second deeply hurt Chakotay. ‘No, it’s okay,’ he said quickly. ‘Whatever you thought just now, it’s not that. Annika called me earlier.’ ‘Oh,’ Kathryn said quietly. ‘So you know.’ ‘Yes, she didn’t mean to tell me I’m sure but it just explained itself.’ She nodded and looked him in the eye, tears threatening to spill. ‘So where does that leave me?’

‘Right here,’ he answered, and she smiled sadly because it was true. She couldn’t imagine being without him at this moment, it would most likely break her. Being strong and independent was her trademark and she wore it well most of the time, but what was strength without the ability to accept her weakness? No one is strong all the time, if they are then it’s nothing more than a façade. She’d fought her weaknesses long enough, she decided. Chakotay was safe. He would not betray her, not now, not willingly. For the longest time he had been her mirror, her soundboard and she loved him dearly for it. In the end, it had been her stubborn independence that had kept her from allowing him in. Not this time. Not anymore.

 ‘Would it be okay if I slept in your guestroom?’ she asked. ‘I don’t know where Thom is and I don’t want to sleep at HQ.’ He nodded. ‘Of course. I’ts down the hall to the left, make yourself at home.’ She smiled gratefully but didn’t move yet. Chakotay understood how vulnerable she felt and decided to leave her alone for a little while. ‘I’m going to get back into bed,’ he said. ‘Use whatever you need. I’ll see you in the morning. Sleep well, Kathryn.’

His voice still had that slightly reverend sound to it as it spoke her name, she noted. Just like on New Earth, where she had come close to admitting her weakness. He was her weakness, but he was her strength. He had been her beginning and he would undoubtedly be her end.

With that thought she settled into the guest bedroom, which faintly smelled of him. It was a comforting smell, something she recognized and could hold onto for now. Somewhere deep down she was glad that Annika had told Chakotay, that way she didn’t have to go through explaining it to him herself. She still didn’t quite know how she would have without getting too emotional. It hurt. It really did.

The next day Chakotay woke knowing Kathryn would already be gone. She’d want to avoid awkwardness and she would also not want to outstay her welcome, even if they both knew that wasn’t the case anyway. He decided to check the guestroom, just in case she was still there, but of course he found the bed perfectly neat and empty. Just as he turned back to replicate breakfast his comm system beeped to alert him to a message. Moving over to his console he activated the text message and smiled as he saw who it was from.

_Chakotay – Thank you for keeping me safe last night. Apparently I do need you looking out for me. I’m going to talk to Thom again today and hopefully bring this to a conclusion. Dinner tonight? You cook. Kathryn._

He had an idea. He wanted to make sure she wouldn’t get caught up in the madness surrounding her right now, so he wanted to take her out. Not to a restaurant. To somewhere special. He had a few favors to call in anyway so he decided this was worth it. Then, he texted her back – short and to the point. _Meet me here around 1900. I’ll be at work all day, call if you need anything. C._

As he went off to work he felt bad for Kathryn and for the conversation she was going to have to have with Thomas today. But he knew her, and he knew she’d treat him with respect and fairness but have no mercy on him. Her mind seemed to be made up. She’d be ready to forgive him, because that’s the kind of person she was, but she would not let him get away with it. She’d find a way to understand or at least accept Thom’s choices (like she had with Annika and him back on Voyager’s bridge), but she’d be true to herself in her reaction, choosing to support him and his choices even if they went against everything she had expected. The only difference was that Thom would not be given a second chance. Chakotay also knew that Kathryn wouldn’t call him today about the conversation, she’d want to show her independence and strength even though she had nothing to prove. So he’d wait for the confirmation of their dinner and he’d go about his day like it was a normal day. Except it wasn’t, because tonight he’d have dinner with the woman he had loved for over seven years without any of the boundaries that might have been between them in that time. And even though the circumstances could have been better, he was looking forward to it. A lot.

 

Kathryn decided to head home early that morning. She wanted to be out of the house before Chakotay woke, and luckily she knew he was a quite heavy sleeper so she’d be able to leave unnoticed. Leaving him a message to activate once he was up, she quietly left his house. She knew she might have to face Thom at her apartment, but it was still her place so she decided she would just go there anyway. If he was there in the first place (who knows, maybe Seven had taken a pity on him) she’d deal with that once she got there.

As soon as she entered her apartment, Thom’s head popped up from the couch. How like him, to sleep on her couch instead of in his own apartment, waiting for her, probably wanting an explanation from her rather than offering one up himself. Kathryn chuckled, shaking her head. ‘Morning. Surprised to see you here, did you forget you actually own an apartment?’ ‘I didn’t, Kathryn,’ Thom answered. ‘But I wanted to see you as soon as you got home. We need to finish our conversation. I won’t yell at you, that was out of line and I’m sorry.’

Impressed by his change in attitude Kathryn replicated two coffees, handing one to Thom before standing in a tactical position near the kitchen counter. Keep the high ground, her instinct told her. Take a central position from which you can see everything and react to anything. Be the Captain.

‘Look, Thom,’ she started. ‘I know that I’ve been keeping busy, maybe too much so. But we know each other, I thought we had a commitment to each other, and part of that is talking to one another if something is wrong or is bothering you.  I never had anything with Chakotay other than a deep friendship and I’d never cheat on you.’ She left the accusation up in the air, thinking he knew damn well that he was the one to have crossed that line. If he knew her at all he would know there was no going back. Thom stayed on the couch, his elbows on his knees. ‘It’s not even any of my business like you said,’ he sighed. ‘And I don’t know what happened with Annika. I do love you, Kathryn, and there’s no excuse. I’ve never done something like this before, you know me, you’d have known if I had.’

‘I’ve been gone for seven years, Thom. I don’t know you as well as I thought I did. And the same might go for you. Maybe this is just who I am, I need to work to be able to process, I need to get results to function. There’s a lot that happened that isn’t in my logs, some of it not even in my personal logs, and that takes time to work through. You knew that going in and if that’s somehow the reason why you thought you needed someone else then I can’t help you. I won’t change for you. I can’t.’ Kathryn approached him, staying out of reach but meeting his eyes. ‘I’m sorry.’ She felt tears rise but she commanded them down.

Thom however did have tears in his eyes, every bit of the funny, charismatic man she knew crumbled down to a shameful, sad shell of Thomas Jefferson. ‘I would never ask you to change. And stepping away from you was the most ignorant selfish thing I could have done. But it’s done and I do know you and I know this is over, and for that I’m so sorry.’ Kathryn nodded. ‘I just don’t know why it had to be her. That’s…’ she shook her head. ‘That has created it’s own kind of pain.’

Thom sighed. ‘Kathyn, please.’ She straightened her shoulders. ‘No, I think I’d like to know. I need to know.’ He shook his head slightly. ‘Okay. The thing with Annika is… She’s so curious. She’s open to the world, a lot of this is new to her. And I hate to say it Kathryn, I really do, but you are still on Voyager most of the time. I can see you phase out sometimes thinking about the past, and that’s something I can never relate to. Annika doesn’t do that. If she does, it’s often a moral or ethical debate she wants my opinion on. She includes me. You never gave me a chance in that way.’

Kathyn looked down at her hands, her stomach clenching as she realized she’d had this exact thought during her first recent conversation with Chakotay. Back then she’d felt bad about not ever giving him an opportunity to explain himself, to give him an in if he wanted one. Was Thom accusing her of exactly the same thing? Was this what was wrong with her? She decided not to wallow in the past, this was a learning experience. ‘Thanks for your honesty, Thom,’ she said softly.

He nodded. ‘I won’t be going back to her. I mean I’ll talk to her, but I won’t hurt her anymore.’

‘Okay,’ she just answered. ‘When will you be moved out?’ She wasn’t about to let him linger, she needed the space to be hers again. She wasn’t afraid of painful feelings lingering too long, the apartment had always had a little bit of her than it had of him and it had been hers before so it would be again. She just needed the little reminders gone. The picture frame on the table, his casual jacket by the door.  His communications coming in on her address, his art on her wall, his boxer briefs on the chair next to the bed. Once that was gone she’d be able to start over.

‘I... I’ll do it today,’ he said. ‘Kathryn, there is one thing I’d like to say.’ He had been thinking all night about what to say to her that would make her not hate him. He knew she’d always be kind and respectful, because that’s who she was, but he needed her to really be okay with how they left things. Having met Chakotay briefly and having read some of her personal files on him Thom knew that this friendship was special. Annika had told him that she thought these two individuals had something she couldn’t decipher, something she longed for. However, they seemed to be denying themselves that under the pretext of a friendship, a love that was deep but not romantic. If he knew Kathryn at all, he knew she would always take ‘putting her crew first’ to the extreme. Romantic involvement would have been out of the question, for the full journey, however long it would take. Chakotay seemed like a deeply passionate but very, very humble and controlled man who would always respect her wishes even if he wholeheartedly disagreed with them, as long as they wouldn’t put her in danger. So, all the pieces of the puzzle fit together, and every story he had heard from Kathryn was true and they had never, ever crossed that line but he knew both of them were very aware of the line. He now felt like he had the power to set them both free.

She cocked her head to the side, sipping her coffee, waiting for him to go on. He sighed. ‘I know that you and Chakotay are friends.’ ‘Thom…’ she started. ‘No, hear me out, please,’ he interrupted. ‘I know you’re friends and I know that’s how you wanted it to be. That’s how it had to be, right? And then things just happened and suddenly you were home and there I was. But you know, it doesn’t have to be that way anymore. He knows you, he knows what you’ve been through and he can support you. I know that out there you had no options, it had to be this way, but there’s really no reason for it not to change. You work in completely different departments, he’s no longer serving under you, we will nog longer be together. Kathryn, all I can say is please, listen to your heart for once.’ He didn’t elaborate but her eyes told him he didn’t have to. ‘Is it that easy for you?’ she questioned quietly. He shook his head. ‘Look. I fucked up. I made a bad decision. I just want to see you make a good one.’

She smiled sadly because she knew he was right. How did her cheating ex-boyfriend know more about her feelings and her love life than she did? Finishing and recycling her coffee cup she turned to go upstairs. ‘I’m going to go have a bath and get ready. I’d like you to be gone when I get back down. After that I’ll be gone all day so you can move out.’ She looked at him, really looked at him and he felt she was saying goodbye. ‘Bye, Kathryn,’ he said.

His voice did nothing for her.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


	10. Conclusion

The day was quiet, thankfully. Thom had indeed been gone by the time Kathryn had finished getting ready and he had even taken the time to write her a little goodbye note. A real one, handwritten. “Dear Kathryn. I deeply regret my decisions and I hope that one day you can forgive me. I will always want to be around you but I know you have to leave. You deserve happiness – and I’m not it. If ever you should feel like you want to contact me for whatever reason, please do. Yours always, Thom.”   
It seemed honest and sincere and Kathryn decided to keep it as a reminder. It wouldn’t remind her of a relationship ending badly, but it would remind her of how closing one door could enable her to open another. She remembered a time in front of a cargo bay door, her hair up in an impossible bun and her shoulders squared under feigned confidence. Chakotay had seen right through it and his hand on her shoulder couldn’t have been more needed. When that cargo bay door had opened and she had realized that the entire crew was behind her, that had been the moment that she had decided that this crew would always be her number one priority. Even back then she had felt strongly about Chakotay and the possibility he presented but she had also known that he would understand. And he had.  
She had put away the note and left for work. Two guest lectures and a board meeting would keep her busy today and honestly she didn’t mind the distraction. She had received Chakotay’s reply to her message and she was looking forward to their dinner, although he had given her no indication she knew he would have something special planned. He knew her too well not to plan a surprise on a day like this.   
Later that day her thoughts wandered more than once to things she usually didn’t care about: What was she going to wear? Should she dress more formally or choose a casual outfit? Would he like her hair more if she left it down or up? She felt like a teenager almost, and it was ridiculous; this was Chakotay for God’s sake. She knew him better than anyone and she’d seen him in almost every possible emotional and physical condition. They had barely any secrets left. Her cheeks flushed a little at that thought, because it might just be those last few secrets that had her in such a state. Smiling at herself she headed for her office after the second lecture, ready to take a break and prepare for her meeting. It was almost 1500 and she had already started to plan her time: She’d be done by 1630 and hopefully be home by 1700, which left her with two hours of freedom. Thom had messaged her saying that he was almost done moving out, and he had added another apology – Kathryn almost pitied him, he really hadn’t thought it through. She was happy he would be gone when she got back though, it wouldn’t give her a chance to reconsider. Not that she would give in so easily but somehow she always seemed to put another obstacle between her and Chakotay and even though she had never thought of Thom as an obstacle she knew that she wouldn’t let him become one. She had felt Chakotay’s disappointment when she hadn’t allowed his hand on her back even though he had tried to cover it, and she had felt so guilty and conflicted (even though they did nothing wrong) that she promised herself not to do that to him again. He didn’t deserve that, he never had, and she’d put him through enough. It was time for them to stop suffering.  
Later that day Kathryn finished her meeting exactly on time. She told Jody to put her ‘out of office’ for the rest of the day and left, the slight spring in her step making her assistant very happy. Finally, she thought, the Captain who had seen so much was allowed to be happy.  
On her way home Kathryn walked through the gardens at Headquarters, trying to calm her slight nerves a little. Near the pond she spotted Seven sitting on one of the benches. Stopping, Kathryn thought about approaching her to see how she was doing. However, she was completely unprepared, and Seven looked busy so she decided to talk to her tomorrow. As Kathryn walked on she saw another woman join Seven on the bench and she watched how Seven greeted her and soon laughed out loud. She looked genuinely happy and it was a comforting sound, because it meant that Seven of Nine would be all right. She was a strong woman who had already been hurt a lot, but it would not break her. Chakotay had only changed her for the better and she was sure her experience with Thom would just make her more cautious and careful. That wasn’t a bad thing, after all, a woman’s heart was something to be taken great care of. Especially Seven’s heart that could seem so cold but was in fact so desperate for warmth. Kathryn knew without a doubt that Seven would find love, and she made a mental note to also keep in touch with her.   
On the other side of the pond Chakotay witnessed the whole display. He had seen Kathryn leave and he had just been thinking about how free she appeared when he had spotted Annika. He was lucky to know such strong, confident women – Annika too had looked like she was okay. He knew that they were both hurting, and he knew there was no easy fix, but the way they both handled themselves gave him a lot of peace. He was in no way happy about what had happened, but somehow he felt gratitude for the order of events. It felt like the puzzle of his life was finally falling into place. As he watched Annika interact with the other officer he glanced over at Kathryn who seemed to be feeling the same. The slight smile he could just make out around her lips told him she was okay with the situation. And he needed her to be okay.   
Chakotay decided to go home, finalize his preparations for tonight and make sure he was back at Kathryn’s place on time. He was nervous, but it was mostly good nerves. The plans he had would undoubtedly go down well with Kathryn, he knew her well enough to know what she’d like. It was their first proper date, even though neither had really mentioned any romantic implications they both knew that tonight was about them. She had just broken off a relationship so he wouldn’t make things uncomfortable for her by going too fast, after all he had been waiting for a long time. Another few days wouldn’t hurt him. In fact, he was just ecstatic to spend the evening with Kathryn again, like they had done so many times in the past. When had they stopped? He didn’t exactly remember. All he knew was that he had been watching some of her evenings with Thom and he had felt deeply regretful – he missed her. Their conversations over wine, ale or coffee and tea had always been important to both of them, and it had been the basis of their deep trust and friendship. Tonight would mark the beginning of a second chance.

At exactly 1900h Chakotay stood at Kathryn’s door. He smiled when she opened it almost immediately, she had obviously been waiting for him. Stepping in he held his hands behind is back. ‘Hi,’ she greeted him. ‘Hi, Kathryn,’ he answered. ‘How are you?’ It wasn’t a question she was fully prepared to answer, but he deserved that she try. ‘I’m… doing good. It’s strange how fast things have gone. And I have to say, I’m still a little shocked. But I’m relatively good.’ He nodded. ‘I’m glad you’re feeling okay.’ With that he held out the rose he had been hiding from her. ‘Don’t worry, it doesn’t mean anything,’ he said smiling. ‘I just remembered how to put a smile on your face.’ She did reward him with a sweet smile. ‘Thanks,’ she said. ‘It means everything.’   
She had chosen to wear a black top and fancy pants, the cream color she had chosen more often in the past that looked amazing on her. Her hair was down and he was glad, already thinking of how the light from the Alaska would reflect on the hints of red. ‘You look stunning,’ he said, offering her his arm. ‘Are you ready?’ She nodded. ‘Yes, let’s go.’   
Kathryn had no idea where they were going. She could see Chakotay was slightly nervous and excited and was trying to hide it for her sake and she couldn’t help but smile at his considerateness. She loved surprises, although the recent surprise with Thom had changed that somewhat, she was still willing to let Chakotay take her away for the evening. It might help her to forget. As they approached the transporter station, Chakotay reached for her hand. ‘You go first, don’t look,’ he said as he approached the transporter terminal to give his coordinates to the officer on duty. She shook her head and took her position on the pad, waiting for him to join her. As he did, he took her hand again and they left Earth behind.  
The USS Alaska was one of Starfleet’s newest vessels, and although it had been completed and christened a week ago its maiden voyage wouldn’t be for another five days. There was a skeleton crew on board, some of which Chakotay knew personally. It was a magnificent ship that housed some of the technology that Voyager had brought home, making it a new class altogether. It had been named Alaska because it would be capable of surviving in extreme conditions. One of the designers had told a story about Earth’s most northern state where the weather would be so beautiful but so extreme that one would freeze to death in hours. What used to be Alaska was now a nameless nature reserve where the climate was controlled by terraforming, but it was still one of the most visually stunning places on Earth, or so some said. Chakotay had never visited but he had thought it was an appropriate and beautiful name for such a strong, proud and innovative vessel.   
He’d been on board once before, and back then he’d been very careful not to fall in love with the ship as he had been offered the Captain’s chair. Already having declined he was a free man but still he hadn’t wanted to get too attached. However, once on board he had visited a friend in the mess hall and the observation lounge that was built there along the front of the ship’s neck, lit up by the deflector from below and the ship’s impressive saucer from the top he had been smitten nonetheless. Chakotay knew Kathryn had never visited the Alaska. He also knew the Alaska had some state-of-the-art Holodecks, and he had made sure to book one for later this evening.  
He recognized the transporter room they materialized in and like the first time he had been there it took him by surprise how beautiful it was. A lot bigger than Voyager’s transporter room, the Alaska had light blue transporter pads and an entire bay area divided to enable transporting supplies, animals, scientific samples and so on. There were multiple people working around them and he knew a few of them, nodding in greeting. ‘Can I open my eyes?’ Kathryn nudged him with her elbow. He smiled. ‘Yeah,’ he replied. She opened her eyes and was slightly taken aback by the unexpected transporter room. ‘Wow,’ she said, equally stunned by its size and beauty. Chakotay looked at her and stepped down from the pad, mentioning for her to follow him. She smirked at him and stepped down with him. ‘Romantic,’ she joked. ‘We’re not there yet,’ he said. ‘Do you know where we are?’ She looked around, frowning. ‘I think I do,’ she said after a moment. ‘Is this the ship you turned down?’ His jaw almost dropped. ‘How do you even know that from just a transporter room?’ She raised an eyebrow. ‘So I’m right. Wow, Chakotay, if this is any indication of what the rest of this ship is like then I think you might want to reconsider.’ ‘Oh no,’ he answered. ‘I don’t think so.’ She was flattered but tried not to show it, somehow she knew that she was part of the reason why he hadn’t wanted to go then and why he didn’t want to go now.   
The transporter technician who had beamed them on board approached them, having waited until the right moment. ‘Commander, Admiral. Welcome on board. We are currently running on a skeleton crew but your arrangements have been made,’ he addressed Chakotay. He hadn’t named the ship purposefully because Chakotay had asked him not to. Somehow the identity of the ship was romantic to him and he wanted her to figure it out. He knew she’d probably seen the schematics and she undoubtedly knew its name but it hadn’t immediately come to her, so he decided to keep her guessing a little longer. If she didn’t guess it she’d see the name on the bottom of the saucer section when they arrived at their dinner location anyway.   
Kathryn thanked the technician and looked at Chakotay. ‘You’re not going to tell me what she’s called, are you.’ It wasn’t even a question. ‘When I heard that you turned down a captaincy I almost commed you.’ He looked at her while guiding her into the corridor. ‘I didn’t want it, for many different reasons. But I came here once after I’d turned down the chair and I have to admit I almost fell in love with her.’ Kathryn nodded appreciatively. ‘I can imagine, she’s beautiful.’ He turned the corner into the turbolift. ‘Mess hall,’ he ordered. ‘It’s a matter of priorities, Kathryn.’ She locked eyes with him for a second before turning her gaze to the wall. ‘I’m glad,’ she said softly.   
As the turbolift doors opened she felt his hand on the small of her back again, and this time there was no reason for her to object. Chakotay felt incredibly proud and touched by the fact that she would allow his hand there, even though she was the ranking officer, higher in position than literally anyone on this ship. If something were to happen and they’d have to respond she would have the bridge. However, right now, she was just Kathryn and he was just Chakotay and they were about to have dinner. It had been a risk, to take her to a ship, just because he didn’t know how she would respond to others seeing them together. By now the rumors must have spread again, them having been seen together in public would definitely have started some gossip somewhere. However she seemed to be totally fine with it, even though he sensed her nerves he also felt her confidence. Let them look, she seemed to want to tell him. So he did, and he nodded to a passing officer while his hand was softly lying on the small of Kathryn’s back. She was slightly in front of him, letting him guide her through the ships corridors towards the mess hall. It was only a few meters from the turbolift and as the doors opened Kathryn turned to him. ‘I remember,’ she said. ‘The Alaska.’ He nodded and indicated at her to look in front of her. As she did her eyes fell upon a table set for two in front of the biggest observation viewscreen she had ever seen. The mess hall was large, like everything on this vessel, and it was dimly lit and empty apart from the chef and one officer who seemed to be there just for the occasion. ‘Kathryn, this is Lieutenant Will Pritchett. He was a big part of making this possible, I know him from the Academy. He’s an amazing chef and he’ll be helping in the kitchen as well as serving us,’ Chakotay introduced the man. Kathryn smiled and shook the younger man’s hand. ‘Nice to meet you. Thank you for allowing us on board.’ Pritchett smiled. ‘Anything, Admiral. I hope the food will be to your liking.’ She nodded. ‘I’m sure it will be. This is an amazing ship you have here.’ ‘She’s definitely up there with the best,’ Will answered. ‘We’re very proud to be serving here.’ Kathryn nodded. ‘I can imagine.’   
The Lieutenant brought them up to their seats and fetched a bottle of wine before leaving them to prepare the food. The lights from outside shone beautifully, illuminating their spot and at the same time still giving them a perfect view of the space dock and Earth beneath them. It was a romantic spot, the docking lights blinking softly above them and the blue hue from the deflector dish creating a calming aura. Kathryn looked at Chakotay, who seemed to be getting a little more nervous. ‘Hey,’ she said. ‘This is perfect. Thank you.’ He smiled at her and raised his glass. ‘To a perfect evening.’ She raised her glass as well and smiled at him, her other hand reaching out to softly touch his. As she retreated she saw his face relax a little. ‘I’m glad you like it. I have another surprise waiting after dinner.’ She raised her eyebrows at him. ‘Another surprise… You didn’t have to do this, you know. I would have been happy at home.’ He cocked his head to one side. ‘Well, I figured you deserved to be spoiled tonight. Mind you, I don’t have an endless supply of favors to call in, so you might have to settle for home the next time.’ ‘Next time, huh,’ she teased. He nodded. ‘Yeah.’  
Soon, they had food on their plates and easy conversation flowing between them. The awkwardness that might have been there from the empty mess hall and the two officers cooking them dinner was gone before it even became an issue, both Kathryn and Chakotay feeling completely at ease on this vessel. The courses were exquisite and Kathryn couldn’t contain her excitement when she was served her dessert: Coffee ice cream made from real coffee, with chocolate sauce and cream. ‘Oh,’ she sighed at the first bite. ‘This might be the best thing I’ve ever tasted.’ Chakotay just watched her quietly, enjoying her unashamed exclamations and almost inappropriate love for coffee. ‘I’ll make sure to get the recipe,’ he said softly. She slowly shook her head at him. ‘It’s so good, I’m going to have to confine you to dessert duty if you are able to make this.’ He laughed. ‘Sounds fine by me, Kathryn.’   
After another glass of wine Chakotay stood and mentioned to Kathryn to follow him. ‘Let’s go,’ he said. They thanked the staff for their efforts and left the mess hall to head up to the holodecks. Once they’d arrived, Kathryn turned to Chakotay. ‘Do I need to close my eyes again, Commander?’ He smirked. ‘Yes.’ She did, and Chakotay regarded her quietly as her hand reached out to his. He took it and even though they had locked hands before this felt different. She didn’t just give him her hand, she gave him her trust and her heart, both things he vowed at that moment to never take for granted. He typed in some commands so his voice command wouldn’t give away the program and the doors opened. They walked in and as the doors closed and vanished Chakotay released her hand. ‘Okay, you can open your eyes,’ he said as he stepped back a little. She did and instantly tears came to her eyes. ‘Oh, Chakotay…’ It was all she could say. Standing on a beautiful sailboat she immediately recognized where they were. The lake stretching out before them, surrounded by green mountains and a village in the distance, she had so many memories here that she would never forget the sight. ‘Welcome to the Voyager,’ Chakotay said. ‘I thought a midnight sail on Lake George would be the perfect way to end this evening.’ She nodded and looked back at him. ‘It is. Thank you.’ Only when she turned back did he notice the tears in her eyes and the small track one had travelled down her face. ‘Hey,’ he said. ‘Don’t cry.’ She shook her head softly. ‘I’m okay, this is just the best thing you could have done.’ He stepped in behind her. ‘Come on,’ he said, leading her to the front where a wooden bench with white pillows was waiting for them. A bottle of white wine – non-alcoholic this time – and an assortment of fruits was put out on a table, together with a blanket against the chill of the evening. Of course they could just raise the temperature, but Chakotay knew Kathryn liked her Lake George program to be as authentic as possible. He had even accessed Voyager’s database to make sure he got all the details right.   
‘I have been meaning to visit this on Earth,’ she said after a while. They were sitting close, her right shoulder touching his left. His arm was on the backrest behind her and her feet were tucked underneath her body, having abandoned her shoes to enjoy the wooden structure of the ship. ‘You should go,’ he answered. ‘It means a lot to you, and now that we’re back you can actually visit again.’ She nodded and sipped her wine. ‘I think I’m afraid of it being different. You know, a memory of a place that means a lot can be more valuable than an experience there. I’m afraid it won’t be as I remember.’ ‘I can understand that,’ he said. ‘You think you might have romanticized the place, especially while on Voyager.’ ‘Yeah,’ she said. ‘It was a refuge sometimes, and I did make some minor changes.’ ‘Well, then I suggest we just enjoy the program,’ Chakotay said and she couldn’t agree more.  
Half an hour later they were still sitting in each other’s company, sometimes quiet, sometimes softly talking. There was no pressure and there were no expectations, no specific end goal and Kathryn loved that. They were so comfortable with each other that they could just take their time, both of them knew what they meant to each other and knew the possibilities for the future. They might both be too scared to express any of these possibilities, but that didn’t mean that they weren’t excited for it – a future together, finally.  
Kathryn looked at Chakotay who had moved his arm to hold her close to him. He met her eyes and his lips landed against her temple. It wasn’t a kiss but it was a promise.  
‘We’re always going to have this, aren’t we?’ she asked softly, looking out across the lake.   
She didn’t elaborate but he knew the range of her words. She didn’t just mean this friendship, love, this easy companionship. She meant a mutual understanding, their bond, inexplicably true and deep. They had both wondered about it, but never out loud or to each other. Still, it was there, and they recognized and loved it for what it was. And she was right. Wherever she’d go, he’d want to follow. Whatever burden he’d have to bear, she would want to take some of it away from him and carry it together. They trusted each other implicitly and fully, they knew each other’s hearts so well, there was only one thing he could say.  
‘Always,’ he replied.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for reading.  
> This is the end of the original story, but I've gotten a few requests for a sequel and I had an idea for a prequel myself, so maybe I'll revisit this story some time.  
> I hope you enjoyed it and I'll see you in another story.


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